- What not to do when you are alone and vulnerable
- When you are the one you says, “I want a separation”
- When you have said you “never” have writer’s block and suddenly you cannot write
- When you have to leave a place/an ideal/a way of life that you thought was “forever” because you said “never will I leave this place/ideal/way of life
- When disappointment in people attacks—when you realize the people you thought would call never do, and the ones you never thought would reach out to you do.
- When the word “lonely” expands beyond and above what you ever thought it could be
- When you think you cannot, absolutely cannot, face something—but then you do
- What happens next?
- At my age! . . . the prospects of dating and all that jazz (and being called a cougar—? Um, what?)
Archive for the ‘gratitude’ Category
All righty then. From the list in the “never say never” post below:
- Don’t drink too much. Okay, allow yourself that one night where you slug down some vodka and dance around the living room to techno trance (for the first 30 minutes) before feeling sorry for yourself and throwing a mug against a tree and railing against your fates and . . . and then just don’t . . . don’t allow yourself to drink yourself into a stupor where you curl into a ball in a chair and sob and fall asleep and wake up with your mouth dry and your pea-headed brain full of cotton and then unsteadily climb into your bed where you wake the next day feeling like crap on a stick that’s been beaten against a tree. Don’t. Find another way to cope. For that alcohol habit is not one you want to find yourself embedded in. No scenario has you drinking too much and then going, “Sure am glad I did that! I feel great now! All my problems are SOLVED!” Yeah . . . no. And especially do not drink and text . . . .
- Don’t text whiny self-indulgent messages to anyone but your most trusted BFF (or post Facebook updates). No one wants to read that shit. No one wants to see your dark depressed underbelly. Believe me dangity do, that if you DO text/message/FB update with your whiny ramblings, you will forever regret it. Yes you will. YES YOU WILL! Do whatever is necessary not to bare your darkened squishy brain ramblings to anyone other than that trusted bestie. Later, when you are back to your strong kickass self, you will rather that you had not let people see a side of you that you’d have rather not—you will forever wonder if they now see you differently and not in a completely positive self-respecting I know my worth way. Remember, once again: NO ONE wants to read that shit—not even your BFF, but the contract of BFF’dom says they have to, so they have to suck it up. Only them, and you’d do the same for your BFF.
Don’t further isolate yourself by further isolating yourself. Give yourself a little time–a week? two? three? four? oh oh-five? six? oops . . . seven? erk . . . to push all the nasties out of your system, and then it’s time to stop wallowing. Get out with friends. Go for a drive. Invite someone(s) over. Workout. Smile at people. Talk to people. Be aware of your surroundings and remember where you once found joy. Remember that things are not all BAD, just different, and if there is some BAD, then remember it will not last forever unless you give the bad POWER—don’t give away your power. Find excitement in that different—isn’t this what you wanted? *Did you think this would be easy?*
- However, pertaining to Number 3, don’t spend time with people you don’t give a rat’s big ole ass about or who don’t give a rat’s big old heiny about you, just so you won’t feel alone. Self-Worth! Say it to yourself, in your head and then aloud: I know my worth! I am worthy! Look about your psyche-house until you find your self-worth and self-respect – are they under the bed, all dusty and rusty? Pull them out, dust them off, and let them back onto your life. Say it with me: I am worthy; I know my worth. You do not NEED people or company or that “friend” or that man or that woman or that crowd—be with the ones who give you joy, or are fun to be with/around, or you complement each other’s psyches or whatever. “I am worthy; I know my worth.”
Beating yourself up? Don’t. Stop it. Yes, even if you’ve done the above. Give yourself a big fat break for being human. Beating yourself up will only make things worse. Even if you are the one who made the decision to dive into dark terrifying unknowns, who cut ties, who said, “I do not want this anymore,” why are you punishing yourself? Why are you saying, “Oh well, this is what I get. This is what I deserve for shaking things up.” Nope. Not reality. Be your own BFF for a while. Use this quiet solitude time to discover just what kinds of guts you have. Recognize how you are doing exactly what you wanted and needed and considered for quite some time—and did you really think it was going to be easy? Hell no! Not much worth doing and having and obtaining ever comes “Easy.” Be kind to yourself. Love yourself. Give yourself some credit for Going For It, whatever that is, despite the initial feelings of grief and terror and stark-raving-madness.
- Do find gratitude—every day. Every morning take a deep breath and consider just what you are grateful for. And throughout the day, remind yourself what you are grateful for! Don’t forget to let out that breath. Ha.
Do get out and breathe in some fresh air; and definitely get some exercise. Your body and your brain will love you for it, and you will feel GREAT. I promise you this. If you have never exercised, then take a simple walk, and then another, and then another, and one after that, and another after that, and feel your body grow strong and your brain feel centered.
- Do live in the NOW, not some future. Remind yourself throughout the day to calm the voices in your head, stop for a moment, and BE IN THE NOW. What scents are surrounding you? How does your skin feel when you touch it? How do your lungs feel as you fill them with air? Your feet as they connect to the ground? Find the NOW, the present, this very moment in time, and savor it. The future will come soon enough and it’s rarely exactly how you envisioned it.
- Do reach out to your BFF(s) and your family. You can allow yourself a few whiny self-indulgent messages to the BFF (and maybe, MAYBE a trusted close family member), but after that, work with your besties and/or family on solutions to how you can transition from Old Life to New Life. There will have to be some grieving of the old life, even if you were ready to move on. So . . . .
- Do allow yourself to grieve. If you don’t, then you are only denying what was once an important part of your life, no matter whether it wasn’t all healthy or perfect or wonderful or enlightened, it was still YOUR LIFE. Grieve the old as you step into the new.
Today I am thinking of so many men and women. And, I am thinking about my nephew. Gone 17 years now. He was almost 20 when he was killed in a training accident. He was in the Marines and something went wrong. He loved the Marines, and it did turn his life around. So young. So full of promise.
Today for Monday Classroom, I want to remind all y’allses beauties out there to take a day here, there, and yonder, to rest, reflect, go out and see the world, give thanks, have gratitude, experience. For when we do these things, our writing is richer, broader, opened up to so much more. We see things we’ve never seen or revisit things we’ve long forgotten or find beauty or find someone or find ourselves.
Memorial Day . . . a day for rest, a day for BBQ, a day for the beach, a day for family, and a day for remembrance . . . then, tomorrow, it’s back to work.
And I do find peace, inspiration, and joy there. And lovely music. And lyrical poetic musings. Barbara’s blog is a lovely breath of air. There is always something upbeat to read, to feel, to ponder over.
I’m so excited! and I ain’t gonna hide it, I was about to lose control but thank gawd I didn’t….haw!
I don’t know why this Mongoose cartoon made me laugh so much, but it did! teeheehee
Friends, your books should soon be on their way. It’s about that time, yes. I will get an exact date, but from what I understand, they will begin to ship next week; I think early next week. If you wanted one with a signed bookplate, be sure that you marked that — if you get one that doesn’t have one, I’ll be happy to send you one if you email me (unless it’s not too late to let BB know you want a signed copy). I tried to make the bookplates as special as I could.
I can’t wait to get mine. I can’t wait to hold one in my hands. I will smell the pages. I will put it on my bookshelf and step back and see how it looks and then take a photo of it. Oh, I hope I am never jaded and blaise about this!
I had the strangest dreams last night. I suppose they are “stress dreams.” Anxiety. Along with all my happiness and excitement, I do have the anxiety — it’s all a big swirley mess in my pea-headed brain. One of my dreams was about this strange place I came upon. It was a community of what I thought were an isolated strange people. But, when I came close to the community, which turned out to be only indoors, never outdoors, I noticed the eyes of the “people” — they were black and spacy. Seems some “mad scientist” type had made these people – grown them – or something – and there were a good many of them. It was creepy. What did he have planned with them, I don’t know because the dream slid into something else (and if I were someone who wrote thrillers or supernatural books, this dream would facilitate a creepy creepy book)…
…the dream morphed into where I was in a house and there was a man who hated us (me and whomever else was with me)….he wanted to harm us….there was an explosion in one of the rooms of the house (and it is said that houses in dreams are representations of our minds?)- we got out in time, but then I walked back into the room where the explosion occurred and there was a HUGE statue that seemed made of dark dark wood and in the arms of this dark dark wood statue was an infant…and then the statue began cracking open some, the arms that held the infant became more human than wood, and the statue opened its arms out to give the child back to us — it had protected the infant from harm and it was the most beautiful thing – so beautiful. I can see the statue so clearly this morning: a broad dark face, with a broad nose, strong features, strong arms, a solid body – female.
Strange strange dreams. I’ve always had vivid dreams, since I was a child – and I even remember some of my childhood dreams (the more terrifying ones). I was plagued with nightmares from childhood until we moved to these mountains….then suddenly, when we moved here, the nightmares pretty much stopped -isn’t that something? Every so often I’ll have a bad dream, but mostly when I’m really stressed or worried or something that facilitates it. The mountain cove has been magical for me – healing. My dreams are still vivid at times, but more gentle to me. So last night must be worry stress dreams!
Thing is, I’m filled with gratitude and happy feelings for my Dream of this novel coming to life in the pages of a book. I know my anxious thoughts are those where I heap expectation on myself to be “successful” – to not let anyone down – to be “perfect” – and no one can be all these things, not really – not in reality. But, I am like that – fall headlong into things with passion and then soon grow bored with them and the passion fades: EXCEPT!…except when it comes to literature, writing, books, and my writing life. That is the one area I have never grown bored with, the one where my passion flares hot and steady and true – my constant.
What about you? What did you dream last night, if you dreamed and remember it. Do you have “stress dreams?”
(PS – Update on TG orders – BB has said the books should start to be shipped out on Monday…so you all should start receiving them soon! Oh! I’m so nervous…..! but excited too!)
Have you met our Fat Lazy Labrador Jake?
Well, Good Man Roger is painting a series of paintings that just make me laugh or smile, or go “awww!” He calls them: Le Chein Rouge. Have you ever seen “the blue dog” paintings? This is GMR’s version *teehee* … Fat Lazy Lab Jake is unfazed by the attention. As my brother Tommy says, “Jake has about one expression…” and he proceeded to show me those “one expressions” …”Here’s happy; here’s sad; here’s contemplative; here’s ‘I’m hungry’…” (and those expressions are as you see above) while I laughed…it’s true! Unless FLLJ sees someone he thinks is an intruder – oh! Then the sharp white fangs are exposed, the lips drawn back in warning, the low growl: it’s quite terrifying to UPS people and other strangers come round the cove. He is a good watcher of the cove and all his domain.
The Le Chein Rouge are at top of this post- and I am not giving them much justice as I took the photos in a hurry (I am the most impatient person…geez). GMR gave these LSU collars, since these are for someone(s) who loves LSU.
I spoke with the most beautiful person yesterday! She has a soft southern accent. Her voice is filled with energy. She is a sincere and thoughtful person. Someone I would feel comfortable around. Hmm, maybe I should use this as a contest to win a book! Every day I’ll give a hint and see if y’all can guess who I am talking about *laughing* –unless this person has said something on her blog about how she talked to this weird Kat Mountain Woman who cackles when she laughs and says things like “huhn….” and “Lawd!” and “Well, la tee dah!” teeheehee. We talked about books and writing and publishing, etcetera. I have a hard time talking on the phone – it’s weird, but it’s hard for me to follow conversations and I sometimes accidentally interrupt – my brain needs to either write conversations, or I need to look at someone in person to follow the convo properly. Huhn. I hope I made any sense at all….haw!
Now, on to Sunday Breakfast; then, I want to come visit you all. It’s too late to do anything else with Tender Graces manuscript….in spite of the fact that I woke up at 2:00 AM, was it Friday?, night in a panic and emailed Bellebooks and said “Oh no oh no!” and they said, “oh too late too late!” *laughing* So, that’s that. La Tee Dah. Huhn.
UPDATE!: OMG! Just received an email from BB: BelleBooks is the BEST! They did go in and fix that thing I woke up at 2AM worried about – no one would have known what it was, no reader would have known, but it was something I’d wanted to have at the beginning…and they did it! They put that in! Even though they said they couldn’t, and I said, “I understand” because it would be extra work and time and etc – but they DID IT! This is the beauty of the small independent press – they love you and work with you. *BIG GRINNING*