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Posts tagged ‘writers conferences’

When you meet the Asshole Author . . . .

imagesOn an episode of Super Fun Night, (and Rebel Wilson is adorable in this–funny and endearing) the Marika character stands in line for hours just to see the woman who played a “superhero” character on television. Marika wants to tell the woman how much her work means to her, how she admires her—she’s even dressed like the “superhero” character. However, when Marika steps up to have her memento signed, the woman is rude to her. Later, Marika sees her alone and tries again to tell her what her work meant—this time, the “superhero” woman is even ruder, and Marika, disillusioned, goes home and packs away all those mementos. The woman Marika thought she would meet was not the kickass superhero, but instead a bitter shitass of an asshole.

And I, too, was that bitter shitass of an asshole. Yeah. Me. Sweet lil ole kickass Kat.

zoo-signOnly a few months after I’d spent weeks by my father’s side, and then still had to bear his (unexpected) death, I traveled to a conference. I was exhausted, still grieving, but thought the time away would be therapeutic—especially since I’d see my good friends there. Most of the eight hour drive was easy enough, until the last hour when, with growing horror, I realized I had a UTI heading my way—folks who have never had one, well you won’t understand how the very thought of this happening at home is bad enough, but on the road? Oh fuck.

By time I arrive where we are to stay, I’m frantic, calling my doctor, calling the pharmacy at home.  I finally find the “emergency” kit with a few days worth of antibiotics inside and gobble two down, hoping that’ll get me started, knowing, too, those antibiotics are going to make me ill–didn’t care–I know the chills and pain will soon start and am hoping to head them off. When I pull into where we are to stay—a group of little “bungalows—“ my phone rings. My friend: the “bungalows” are horrible. Nasty. In the midst of renovations so weird that nothing makes a lick of sense. We’d have to find someplace else to stay. During a peak tourist season. Eight hours drive. UTI. Grief. Exhaustion. No rooms. Oh, fuck, redux.

Ended up five of us had to share a small hotel room. Of the four women I’d be sharing with, one I had never met, and that’s where the asshole author comes in. Eight hour drive. UTI. Grief. Exhaustion. Five women in one little room. Fuck, fuck, and fuck.

He was an ass . . . but . . .  wasn't I, too?

He was an ass . . . but . . . wasn’t I, too?

I was barely holding onto my Assholeyness, when during the panel I was on the next day, the panel moderator introduced me thusly: “And now, former Playboy Playmate model Kat Magendie!” When I tell you the top of my head blew off, it did, for it was bad enough he’d earlier said to me something to this effect, but now on a panel?, in front of other writers and writer-hopefuls? Ka-BOOM! It seems in slow motion now, the way my head turned to him ooooh-soooo-slooowwwly, and it seems the words spewing from my mouth fling and slap him upside his head: “You fucking call me that again and I’m gonna Kick.Your.Fucking.Ass.” Yeah. I said that. On the panel. With wide eyes staring at me from the audience—although I’d like to think most of them thought, “Hey, he deserved it. You go girl.” Lawd.

The logistics of the crowded hotel room I won’t even relay. I will say that the next few days are a blur of me feeling ill, angry, pissy, crowded, annoyed, exhausted, sleepless, and generally hating everyone on the planet and then some.

And in this state is how the woman I’d never met—a woman who’d read my books and was looking forward to meeting the author behind the words—came to know The Asshole Author. (She was also in the audience of that panel that day, too. Yeah. Oops. Huhn. Lawd.)

bat shit crazy

bat shit crazy

While we can tell ourselves we must always be on our best behavior. While we tell ourselves that our face out to the world should be one of cheerful appreciation for our readers and always to be professional and courteous and kind, honestly, there are times when we just feel like shit, or bat-shit cray-cray. When we are assholes. When we want to bury our heads under the covers and shout: GO AWAY!

We’re human. We’re fallible.

After the conference was over, and once I was home and rested, I contacted the woman, and without giving up excuses (I hate excuses), I apologized to her for being an asshole. Would it have been better for me to keep a happy face and never let that Ass side of me to show? Yup. But was there any possible way that was going to happen during that time? Nope. Probably not.

Next time you meet an author, actor, singer, artist, why, anyone at all, really—whatever/whomever—and they are the Asshole from Hell, maybe, just maybe, give them a little bit of a break. Maybe, just maybe, they are having a hard time, are exhausted, are feeling stretched too thin, are feeling vulnerable and scared. Have nothing Photos, Video, few Words . . . "Granny Kat" in Oregonnothing not a danged ole thing left to give.

The words and worlds we authors create, the face we show on social networking, really IS us, but only a part of us. The part we try not to let you see is the fearful, anxiety-ridden, damaged, fallible, child-like innocence that’s been rattled, hopeful, rageful, Asshole, part of us. But oh, it’s there. Yeah. It’s there all right, and if the conditions are just right, you just may have met that Asshole instead of the person you so hoped to meet.

And for that, we give our most sincere apologies. Except for the Real Assholes—they don’t give a flying fuck one way or another.

002I think you know which one I am. Right? Right!

The Lightning Charmer coverThank you for your kind words and messages about The Lightning Charmer! I am forever grateful, and that, my friends, is the truth.

Monday Classroom: Learning to say “No” and learning to pull back just a bit from the chaos

Hi y’all! Even though I write this before I jump in the Boopmobile to go to the deep south, it will not go “live” until today.

The place where my friends and I will be staying in or around or near Fairhope may not have internet connection, and we are extending our stay at least a week or a little more beyond the conference. Now, at first when I learned this “maybe no internet connection thang,” I was all a-jitter. How would I do my blog posts? Because I don’t have time to write up enough posts in the “schedule posts” thangee. I’m in the midst of finishing up Family Graces galley proofing! Lawd! and packing and thising and thating. What about Facebook and twitter? Oh woe is me! What ever would I do? *JITTERY JUMPITY LAWDYNESS ABOUNDS!*

But then as I scurry around this morning trying to do all I need to do before I leave, my chest tightened and my eyes

if you see me, give me a wave and a honk!

wilded, and I thought, “Maybe this will be a bit of a relief.” There. I said it. Ha! It is said. Want to say it with  me: sometimes we need a bit of relief or else we will burn -out ourselves to a crispy critter! I have been going crazy-go-to-meeting for a while now with only a few breaks, and even in some of those breaks I still worked.

Because folkses, I will admit that I have been all over the place lately. I am supposed to be working on my organization, but have let chaos pull me into discombobulation – lawd lawd h’ep me! The new book will suffer and not be written as it should if I do not learn to relax and let go of some things so I can concentrate on the writing–considering this as a Business, I am not being a good Manager/Owner of my Business. As well, I become C R A Z Y when I do not write regularly. Oh, no – ask GMR – I become a M E S S! My head wants to explode with all the gobbledeegoop that needs to be drained by regular writing . . . yup. Trust me on this.

But, as well, I am going to have to learn, or re-learn, the word “No,” even when I really really want to say, “Of course I’ll do it!” Thing is, there is so much I do enjoy doing and have enjoyed and I am honored to be asked–and that is sincere–but when my inbox becomes full of requests and I am scattered willy nilly, I do no one any good, for then I may fall into the trap of doing many things not-so-well instead of a few things very well. I love helping people, but I have to recognize I realistically can’t help everyone who may ask, so please do understand if you ask me and I say no, it makes me sad to say no. *Very Sad Face Here*

As well, I love my social networking because it keeps me in contact with you all–readers, colleagues, friends, family, so I won’t give those up, but I can use them in a more wise way.

So whilst I am gone, I am going to think and ponder and pondificate these things and I hope to come back with a good solid answer to how I should become more organized, which includes the phrase, “I am sorry; I wish I could but I can’t” or some variation of it.

Now, if we end up at a cafe with wireless, then I’ll pop in and say hello, but if not, then for the next ten days or so, I will be

a fairhope sunset

POOF! Discapeered. There’s that flip in my stomach again–haw! Gawlee, Kat, let it go!

There are plenty of posts in the archives, and below, and on my old blogspot blog, if you misses ole me *teeheehee* but I bet many of you may think, “Hey, this is one less thing to think about today. La la la tee dah. Ding Dong the yappity writer is gone, hi ho the cheerio, sing it high and sing it low, ding dong the yappity writer is goooooonnnne!”  Huhn. Of course, I want you to miss me – haw! – because just because :-D. And if I am gone all this time, I hope you won’t forget me and return when I do – *pwease!*

Now, go have a wonderful day. I will see you, well, I am not sure–guess that remains to be discovered. Ohhhh! Isn’t that sumpin!

Friday Linky Love: Gumbo Writers & Fairhope Conferences, Penneys & Cartier, Ocean & Interview

Kat, Angie, Alaine

First, I visited Marilee Brothers at Book Blather and am there now, well not really there now, since I am here now, but I am there, too — lawd, I can see me caught up in this loop with all my crazy-arse brainackities. She’s a fellow BB author and I love it when we support each other!

My bestie and fellow Publishing Editor of R&T Angie Ledbetter is back on her Gumbo Writer blog after a “life is insane” hiatus. She offers up  fun, funnies, recipes, and all things wonderful. If you haven’t been by, go see her, or if you haven’t been by in a while, she’s back! She’s one of the most wonderful, giving, cool-arse women you will ever come to know.

the beginning of the mischief in fairhope

And, at the Gulf Coast Association of Creative Writing Teachers conference Angie and I will be attending along with other colleagues and friends in Fairhope, Ala (where we went last year and . . . I wrote a post about some of it –Girl’s Night Out in Fairhope Alabama–Starting with the End & the Bloody Man Blues — . . . “there’s something to be said from sitting outside of a bar when you are not inebriated but have all your clear-headed faculties  . . . ” ) *post script – the inebriation came earlier* -Laughing). Our  R&T Managing Editor Cyn Toups, our RT Art Director Alaine Benard (my other bestie!), and one of our poetry editors Marilyn Shapley will be on the panel for Ekphrasis Squared — Hybrid Synergy of Art to Poem, Poem to Canvas. Angie and I decided we probably won’t be on a panel this year and instead attend and enjoy panels (but one never knows)– if you are in the area, come to the conference! Fees are only around $30, and it’s a laid back group, and held in a beautiful little town.

wheee - gimme another martini!

I have loved JC Penney for a while now, for they have clothes that bridge that gap between “this is too young for me” and “this is too old for me” — I mean, I don’t want to wear granny clothes and I don’t want to wear twenty-somethings clothes, and Penney’s has a little of everything–including clothing lines that fit my style. So, now they’re changing how they do business and asked Ellen DeGeneres to be their spokesperson–Loving this! As well, I went in to Penney’s the other day and I don’t care that it’s all about “creating buzz” – it was just so cool to see things marked without the .99 on them. Now, that may mean in some instances I am paying one cent more (like if something that is $14.99 is instead $15) but I don’t care, I just love the concept and it’s something new to give my jittery chaotic mind a “whooo-haaa! new new new new shiny thing!” And they have the best sales–I picked up several shirts for $4 and $5–and not just because they were so cheap, but because I LOVED them. Go JC Penneys!

I adore OCEAN Magazine — editor Diane Buccheri gives of her time and money and more time and more money to create a print magazine that celebrates and protects our oceans. I know she is always looking for poetry and prose submissions, as well as photography–all in and of and about and around the ocean. I have been honored to have had poetry, prose, and photographs published  there. I’m also a subscriber – because I believe in her and her philosophy of honoring and protecting our Oceans. Please do check out her website and if you are moved to do so, subscribe.

And finally, I had this video on my Facebook page, so those of you who are round those parts may have already seen it, but if not, this is a commercial that had me actually pressing the “stop” to my fast forwarding through commercials, rewinding, and then watching the entire beautiful thing. I don’t care if it’s a commercial, or even that I doubt I’ll ever own anything from Cartier, this commercial WOW’d me – it made me want to write something fantastical and epic and mystical!

I am working on the fifth novel and so excited to be back to work on something new. The last book in the Graces Trilogy (Family Graces) will be out this spring – next month – and I can’t wait to hold that in my hands (in print and kindle version! :-D) . . . I have the best job EVER! Now, y’all go do the day and be filled with gratitude for this life we live on this beautiful earth.

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