Hello. I am here. If you could feel this breeze I feel coming in the windows of our little log house. Can wind be soft -it’s like a soft gentle touch, yes..
I had a nightmare the other night and I woke and everything was dark, not just the dark of night, but I thought how our little log house had become so dark and so quiet. Kayla, Fat Dog, was a loud dog with her breathing and her toenails clicking and her yodeling talk to us and her barking—she filled the house with her noise and with her personality. Jake, Not Quite Fat Dog is a quiet dog. Oh, when he does bark or growl, it means business, but he rarely makes a sound other than some snoring when he sleeps. So, the little log house has been too too quiet. So quiet it is hurting my ears. The quiet is deafening. I can’t take the quiet anymore. I have to let in some noise….I hear the wind chimes. I hear the bird sing. I hear the red squirrel chatter. I hear the breeze rub the branch against the other branch. I hear the tapping of my keyboard. I hear a tourist head up the road. I hear the mailman leave us mail.
And that night of the nightmare, I got up as I’ve been doing and petted Not Quite Fat Dog, in case he was sad, and I went to the bathroom and wouldn’t look in the mirror – I hate looking in mirrors in the dark, because I always wonder if something will be behind me looking at me, and especially after a nightmare. So, I go back to bed and I’m thinking: Our little log house is too quiet and too dark…and somehow I have to bring the light back in. Even in the daytime it has been dark. The log house has been throbbing with dark.
I see things in more ways than the concrete, I guess. It’s not just the physical presence of bed, couch, floor, dog, person, quilt, pillow, but also of Light and Dark and Color and absence of color. I don’t mean auras, for I don’t see auras, but I guess I do see the essence of them, and if anyone were to “See” the aura of our little log house, it would be dark dark dark. We need light. This I realized as I lay in bed trying to shake off the nightmare.
I forced myself to go back to work at a steady pace. I’ve been editing, I’ve been working on the newsletter for The Rose & Thorn. I’ve been Twittering—yes, Twittering for R&T, too. I’ve been eating, for I wasn’t eating very much (and I still need to eat a bit more; I just haven’t been as hungry). We walk NQFD at the lake area and this makes him happy, as he has been listless. Then yesterday, I bought him toys! And these toys woke him up. I played with him and he played alone and he’s already torn up one of them to get the squeaky out. It made me laugh—laughing is good. Laughing is Rainbow colors and light. When we laugh, the colors burst burst! When we talk to each other, the colors swirl about above our heads and around and around.
The house needs light. The house needs sound and color and light.
I received my Lunch Hour Story in the mail along with the check and instead of feeling joy, I picked it apart and said it sucked and it was the worst story I’d ever written—how negative! How dark! If it was the worst, LHS would not have published it. I should have seen bright colors of success at another publishing credit. Maybe bright Blue!
I received a note from storySouth how they kept my story for months and months because they liked it so much, then something happened and now it won’t be published with them—and, I thought, “oh that figures…” but then I chose to think, “No, wait – I was so close! I’ll send it to someone else right away. If they liked it so much, someone else will like it, because they are really picky…and they liked my story a lot! What happened just happened.” Yes….ORANGE!
I received a call on an edit of a novel I did – the writer was so happy with the edits and expressed interest in me doing more. I didn’t feel a thing. But, I should. I should let this light in, too. I will. GREEN!
There are other positive things happening and I need to let those lights come in to help illuminate the dark. SWIRLY COLOR LIKE PRISMS!
Now, (oh Doc…) I’ve always said when I say the word promise, it means my word is gold—and I am unhappy with myself for promising something I haven’t been able to honor and may never be able to honor – Doc at Doc’s Place named my blog as one of his five favorites (see below) and I promised to do my part and I have not, and the more time that passes and the more I am catching up, and the more I’m trying to put light in the place of dark, the more I am beginning to think it won’t get done. I know sometimes I am tagged, and I never do those, either. I hope you all will understand. As it is, with my R&T work and editing and everything else, my writing has to be a priority–I MUST WRITE–, and other than here, and on the YOG, I have not written a thing for my fiction in over a week. I need to. I have to. It will bring in the light. I will try to do what I promised, I should never promise until I am sure, that’s always been my way. NAVY…
I can see how things are better—yesterday I caught myself humming, and then I felt sad that I was humming because it seemed as if I should still be sad, but why did I stop the sad or the humming when they are there unbidden? The humming was light trying to come in. YELLOWGREENREDORANGEBLUEPINK
I have had greater loss than this one—my beloved brother in 1994—so I know that light returns. If I can have light and laughter and all of those things after that great of a loss of my David, then this sadness will soon drift away to the wind. Soft White Light of Loss and Love and My Little Brother’s Brown Eyes.
It’s a beautiful day. Quiet. Warm but not muggy. The mountain sounds and mountain vibrations of energy are strong today. Light finds a way to illuminate dark. The loss of a furred friend who has been by your side for years is dark, but all the joy she brought to me is light. LIGHT LIGHT WHITE GLOWED LIGHT.
My writing calls. My editing calls. My newsletter calls. Life calls. Light calls. So, let in the light and sound and color. That’s what life is. Color and Light and Light and Color.
Soon, I am coming back in here and posting the photos from Oregon that I said I’d post—from the airplane, and downtown Portland, and the beach. LAVENDAR.