Wednesdays are “letter to a…” where I’ll write a letter to a “famous” person (and that includes someone who wants to be famous, thinks they are famous, are famous because they are annoying, are famous because Famous is a trendy thing to be!, are famous only in their own minds, are famous only in my head, are famous only in their circles – et cetera et cetera et cetera!)
Green Tip of the day: Do as many errands in one trip as you can, that’ll save gas and money!
Healthy Eating Tip of the day: Eat some "color-ful" foods – dark green, yellow, red, blue!
Dear Billy Mays:
Before you opened your mouth, I loved you. What, with your cute teddy bear looks: that virile dark beard and hair, those twinkly blinkly eyes, your broad shoulders, that blue shirt after blue shirt after blue shirt that sure is a nice shirt.
The first time I saw you, Oh Billy, Billy Bo Dilly!, my mute button had been pressed, and as I flipped channels, I stopped, entranced! There, filling my screen was a big-smiling man, handsome and strong, his grin widening the whiskery expanse of his face. “What?” I said, “What is this all about? Who is this Man of mans?” At first, oh, sorry Billy, but at first tiny glance I thought you were the ToolTime Sidekick, but, then, I knew it was not so—those cuddly teddy bear men are often lumpered together alas!—and there, in those few seconds before I re-pressed the Mute button, to bring forth sound from that handsome mouth, I was drawn into your World—I wanted whatever you had! I wanted that orange cleaner! Give it to me now! Surely, whatever you sold, my Billy-fo-dilly, was surely what I would want…why, perhaps you’d even touched it with your own two hairy hands! I betted your knuckles were round and knobby and your fingers calloused from good hard work!
And, then…oh, alas and alack if I could just go back in time. If I just had that moment return to me before I re-pressed the Mute key and brought forth the Voice behind my Grizzly Man’s Mouth. For, once sound appeared, and your voice with it, my hair stood on end, my teeth ground, my limbs began to shake, the walls caved in, the floors buckled, the mountain shook, the critters took off in a fright, my dog began barking, my blood curdled in my veins, my brain swelled, my eyes bulged, the television flickered, time and space bowed in upon itself and a black hole sucked all reason from me, and Sasquatch said, “Dear? Is that you?”
Oh, Billy Mays, why did I ever un-mute my TV?
Yesterday, I was peeling a grapefruit, and suddenly, there you were! I screeched, slamming my sticky hands over my ears—Too Late! My eardrums inverted upon themselves; I scrambled for the remote, Oh God! I couldn’t find it! You screamed at me to buy Insurance…(where were the cleaners?)…I said, “Noooo! Nooo Billy, pleeease stooppp! NOOOOO!” I writhed upon the floor, digging, stabbing into my ears with ice picks. I saw the four riders of the apocalypse, and all the riders had your voice!
Oh Billy-go-gilly! Why oh Why must you…must you…*Sob*
I close this letter, my Billy Goat Man, my Grizzly Man, My Teddy Bear, and only hope one day I will re-capture those moments of Mute, when I loved you so.
PS…I found this…! Are you hurt? Are you okay? Did you happen to injure your voice box? Perhaps? Maybe? No? …oh well…. Billy Falling in the bathtub