I’ve been tossing and turning. You’d think I’d sleep the sleep of innocent lambs who know they won’t be lambchops and will romp around fields of clover baa-ing and kicking up their tiny little hooves (I’m running with this lamb thing, ain’t I? laughing…).
Instead, my mind will not be still (see below–at least the trombones song is gone…oops…or was gone…Dang it! Help me think of something else…quick!).
The night before last I thought of something I hadn’t done, or should do, or it would be cool to do, and of course, being a writer who is always on the ball (ahem) I do not have paper and pen by my bed. Actually, I rarely have paper and pen, for if I do write down any scribbles of something, it languishes in a black hole somewhere. Still, when something hits me upside the head in the middle of the night that may or may not be Important (because after dark, way after dark, weird things become “important”), I should write them down. I didn’t; so I lost the thought.
So, last night, I thought of something, and forced myself to get up, go into the living/kitchen/dining area, in the dark, scrabble for a pencil and scrap of paper, and jot it down – just the act of writing it down and seeing the nocturnal paper sitting on the counter reminded me.
All this tossing and turning is getting on my nerves. However, it’s “good” tossing and turning. I mean, I wake up Grinning for gawd’s sake. Of course, I have my terrified moments -moments where the negative thoughts creep in, and I have to force them away. You just replace a good thought with the creepy or negative thought. You do it until the bad goes away. You do not take any crap from Negative Thought- Negative Thought must be dealt with severely and quickly. Being grateful is a good way to chase away the NT’s. I guarantee it.
Bags under the eyes of a 51 year old woman is not purty. When a 51 year old woman loses sleep, it shows. When a 21 year old woman loses sleep, no one knows until she lets out a long yawn and says, “I couldn’t sleep a wink!” A 31 year old woman may have a few little darkling circles. A 41 year old woman will show the fatique but a little concealing and Voila! But, darlings, a 51 year old woman just looks TIRED when she’s tired *laugh*…however, I notice that if I’m smiling, or feeling upbeat, or having that gratitude feeling, well, no one notices I am tired and no one cares what age I am (and neither do I) and no one knows my age–not even me.
This is an exciting time. But it’s also very surreal. I walk around feeling the same; yet different. I sometimes want to shout, “GUESS WHAT? My novel….” etc etc etc. I can’t wait to hold TENDER GRACES in my hands – I know I will weep. Oh yes, I’ll cry. This tough woman’s gonna cry (Right, Angie?….)
I hope I sleep tonight. I hope the ocean’s waves of thought after thought after thought will calm so I can just get some rest. But, what a problem to have right now, huh?
Maybe if I count those little lambs.