Yes, this blog is supposed to be about Tender Graces and my gentle but unflinchingly honest awesome poignant journey of the book’s publication process (grin) and et-cetera! However, life being life being life, I sometimes share my wonderous happenings beyond the world of Tender Graces (teeheehee, snork).
My friends. On April Fool’s Day (which is tonight as I write this, but yesterday as you read this), I had a colonoscopy.
Good Man Roger looked at me all horrified, “You aren’t going to TELL them, are you?” I just gave him that look – the one that says to him, “Um, don’t you know me by now–?” and he just shook his head. I said, “Well, I will spare them all the gory details…”
Actually, it is true what people say: drinking that clear liquid from hell is the worst part of the entire procedure. A HALF GALLON at night, and then the other half gallon the next morning-early-before you are fully awake – Coffee and Hell Juice are not good mixes…Bleah. Oh, that and only being able to ingest certain liquid foods for a day and a half or so. Well, don’t try this: don’t ever try to melt five or six banana popcicles in the microwave and drink them all at once….oh god no; never try this….*shudder* It’s a warm super-sugary-syrupy concoction that slides across your tongue in a most unpleasantly super-sweet way….ughers.
Now, once they get you in the procedure room and give you the sedative, that’s when you think “oh this is niiiiiicceee…ohhh I liiiikkkeee thhiiiissss….teeeeee…e.e.e..e.e.ehhheee…ehhhhh..h.ee.e.e..la la la tee dah loop dee doooo la la” – I barely had time to enjoy it before I was out, I guess, because all I remember is a nice beee-ooo-tiful buzzing sensation in my brain, and me saying, “ohh, what’s this? well, now, here we go!…wheeee….” And the doc smiling down at me, then I faintly heard the doc say, “Did you get the pediatric probe? She weighs only 123 pounds…” and I thought, Only 123! hey! I’m little!; …hahahahahahaahaha; I gots to have a pediatric probe..teetle heehee, like a wittle girl…teetoo too ta ta..hahahah heehehe ohh ahahaha, and then I thought, hey wait…did they get the pediatric probe? I’ll never know because that’s the last I remember for a bit….
Next I know, I woke up and saw my purty little insides on the screen; I think – unless I dreamed it…I think they said, “oh, you’re awake!” and someone else saying, “Huhn, she sure is, well…muwahahahahahah(not really, there was no muwahahahaa),” and I said something that I don’t remember, like maybe, “Hey is that me up there on the screen! wow look at that….hehehehheehhehe,”…at least I think that’s what happened….geez….what’s IN that happy juice, anyway?
Good Man Roger says when they had me in the other room, to which I have no memory of being taken, he says the nurse came in and asked me an embarrassing question and I answered un-embarrassingly and then proceded to honor her request unembarrassingly, but I have no memory of it…..geeeeezzzz….
Next I remember, Roger is helping me stand to get my clothes on. I’m a little whoozy, but not so bad. I think I’m grinning still. He later says we had a conversation where I told him they found something “in there” and when he said “What? Oh no…!” I said, Yeah, they found what looked like (the name of someone I won’t say who and you can supply your own name) and then I said April Fools and laughed hahahahaha hehehehehaw haw haw— well, I have no memory of it. No memory of most anything until I’m getting dressed and wobbling out the door – and even that is a bit fuzzified. That happy juice is something else! Dang!
Good gawd! I just thought: If I don’t remember a convo with GMR, did I say anything stupid in the procedure room? Laughing….good gawd. I do remember telling them there were certainly NO colonoscopies in Tender Graces….huhn, you think?
Well. It’s done. They said my colon is Beautiful, lovely, perfect, just precious! Don’t have to do it again for TEN years — thank gawd.
Well, I’m sure you all wanted to read all that -snirk- *teehee*
Now, if I can do it and come out laughing, so can you — if you are in a group who is supposed to have these things: Just Do It. The night before and morning of isn’t pleasant – I will not lie – but, the procedure itself is ….well, I barely remember it! They give you some happy juice and you just drift about on a happy cloud and say things you don’t remember…huhn.
——————-on other news!——————————–
Oh and Kimmi’s book “The Unbreakable Child” is out! YAYY KIMMI!!! I have ordered my copy and expect it soon! YAYYY! GO GO KIMMI!
image from google images: www.revolutionhealth.com/pages/gastro-girl-s-…