In the Car: Scene from a Marriage

Me: OMG! Watch out! You’ll hit that squirrel!

GMR: It’ll move out of the way.

Me: but what if it doesn’t? You didn’t even slow down! What if it isn’t paying attention and you run it over . . .

GMR: It didn’t; look, it’s running off.

Me: But you COULD have run over it is what I’m saying. You didn’t even slow down is what I’m saying. It could have happened because you don’t slow down but instead just barrell on ahead, oblivious to things in your way.

GMR: *his inside head: – but it didn’t happen, so there!* His outside mouth saying: *sigghhhhhh*

Later:

Me: OMG! You hit that bird. Omg omg! Poor little bird! You didn’t slow down and see see seeeee! You hit it! I TOLD you this would happen.

GMR: I hit it? Did I? Are you sure?

Me: Yes! I saw it… oh oh ugh – ohhh, poor little bird. I told you and told you to slow down when you see critters! *unnghhh unngghhh* poor bird. I can’t stand it.

GMR: I’m sorry! *said in a not really THAT sorry voice; the bird shouldn’t have been that stupid, and in fact it wasn’t, for that bird got out of the way, so there*

Me: When we drive back this way, I hope I don’t see that bird with its guts hanging out. Ohhh ughhnnnnn.

Later:

No dead bird is seen.

GMR: *doesn’t say anything on the outside, but on the inside is going nya nya nya – no bird with guts hanging out – so it flew off nya nya*

Me: I bet it dragged its little self off in the grass somewhere. I bet it’s cheeping out its last breaths out of its bloody beak as I speak. Ugnnggghhh. Poor little bird. I told you to slow down!

GMR: sighhhhhhh.

Later:

Me: Why do you always back into the parking spaces?

GMR: because it’s faster when I pull out.

Me: But, it takes longer to back in, so doesn’t that make it a wash? I mean, if you spend extra time backing in, it nullifies the pulling out quickly, doesn’t it?

GMR: Sighhhhhhhhhhh. Okay, I won’t back in next time.

Me: No, don’t just agree with me. I’m asking because I am curious. What I’m saying is: I’m asking you: Is it really faster? I’m curious. If you back in to get out faster, is it really faster in the Long Run . . . you know, if the time is added up ToGether. Not just pulling out, but the action of backing in AND the action of pulling out added together. Is that faster or is that a wash, thereby nullifying your theory of it being faster?

GMR: Huhn?

Later:

Me: OMG! You almost killed us! You need to pay attention! That truck is three times our size! SPLAT KABLAM, we could be dead right now! I haven’t finished the edits on my novel – I’ll be dead and with an unfinished work – oh no! Unngghhhhh. I wonder if my friends or family will know to look in my hard drive . . . If we’d burst into flames, that saves my cremation cost, right? Oh, but maybe not… OH! I don’t want to think about that! Gross! Stop my brain from thinking about it! This is what happens when you almost get hit by a big truck thrice your size! Be careful, okay? That’s all I’m saying, just be careful. We could be dead Right Now!

GMR: But I didn’t kill us. Um . . .

Me: But you COULD have!

GMR: sighhhhhh.

Later:

GMR: #*#*$& MOVE!!! #*#@*$#! *races up to the bumper of other car, angrily flicks his blinker, careens around it, then as he passes, he gives them the look, aggressively unflicks his blinker, and then races in front of them to haul ass away with a “that’ll show em attitude”*

Me: OMG! Are we running a race? I mean really? Are we? Running a race? this is a small town; we don’t have to go ninety to nothing down Highway 19, okay?

GMR: They were (out of towners from a certain state that NCers have a rivalry with) and they pulled right out in front of me and then go slow and it drives me crazy! I hate that—they could have more courtesy; they don’t own the roads here! – actually GMR doesn’t SAY all this aloud, actually, he just gets THAT LOOK and says, “O’KAY, All RIGHT…” *sighhhhhhhhhhh*

Me: Still. Huhn.

Later:

Me: OMG! Do you have to race up then slow down, race up then slow down, race up then slow down? Drives me insane!

GMR: I’m not doing that.

Me: Yes you are, too! Stop it . . . drives me in-SANE.

GMR: okay okay *inside voice says I am SO not doing that* sighhhh.

Me: Well, I dreamed we got into an accident so you have to be more careful.

GMR: *inside voice: not those dreams again . . . * outside voice, “Okay.”

Me: You SAY okay, but are you really listening?

GMR: I’m listening. I said okay.

Me: But I mean LISTENING. Not just hearing words come out my mouth and hearing those words, but actually HEARING them and then PROCESSING them so that you UNDERSTAND them!

GMR: uh huh

Me: Sigghhhhhhh.

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