I’m feeling rebellious. Feeling all eye-rolly and pouty and “whatEVER”-y. The more I hear and read about how much I should be doing to draw people to me and to my “product” (that’s my books, y’all, but also it’s my blog, my You-Tube page, my FB/twitter—my online presence), the more I back away with my hands held out, “Whoa, just whoa now . . . .”
Remember this post “Doing the F*ck what I want; I”m taking back my life” ? Yeah. I’m still feeling that, majorly.
I’ve been off-line a whole lot more than I have in years. It feels rather wonderful! In the mornings, I rise and instead of pushing my face in a screen, I grab my coffee, sit in my comfy rocker, and stare out at the smoky mountain view: the mountains, ridgetops, the critters. I see/feel/hear/touch/experience. And guess what? My coffee tastes better—no! Really! I thought I was just preparing better coffee, but I’ve come to know it’s that I’m actually TASTING the sumbitch instead of slogging it down my throat as I scan the ‘puter. And I took that unplugging further to other points in my day. I’m feeling human again, less cyborgish—haw!
It’s becoming about self-preservation of my sanity, y’all. Yeah. When I am online, I am inundated with people telling me how I’m doing things all wrong, and how I’m missing opportunities, and how I could be a fucking millionaire if I’d just listen to their advice and stop whining about how I don’t want to listen to their advice—how if I weren’t so hard-headed and resistant and a negative-nelly, then I’d be not only more beautiful and younger and AWESOMER, but I’d also be selling a whole lot more books and people would flock instead of trickle to my blog and facebook page and twitter. I’d be one popular bitch! But since I’m not doing the things they tell me to do, I will be forever medium, maybe even less than medium, I’ll be low, just a simmer on the hotplate of life.
And I’m watching writers, and others, as they try to catch up and catch on, as they jump through hoops, as they constantly try to let everyone know their product is available so please please buy it or like it or try it for free. And the more I see it, the more I don’t wanna.
All that advice and hollering and people waving their hands in the air like that Horshack dude on “Welcome Back, Kotter,” yelling Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! makes me feel crazy and discombobulated and confused, and worst of all, Less Than. Yeah, folkses, it’s having the opposite affect/effect than maybe intended—instead of feeling inspired, I am becoming Rebellious. I am turning away from all that advice. Just as I said in that earlier blog post, I am still, and further, Taking Back My Fucking Life.
For all you who know how to market yourself, who enjoy that, who can navigate through all the White Noise Din and find the advice that fits you perfectly and can apply that advice and then become really Kick-Ass, then well dang, You Go! I’ll be eating your dust and feeling those envy twinges. For all you who give advice, and I’ve been known to do it—we all do it—I know many of you, like me, do it from a place of goodness and an urge to share what you know and pass it forward, well, then go ye to advice-giving and don’t look back. But for all but a few I’ve come to admire and adore, I just can’t take in anymore of it; I’m full; I’m filled to the brim; I’m over-flowing; I’m a Mt. Vesuvius of information and advice exploding out in a fury of fire and rock. I’m kind of done, at least for this moment, this time in my life.
I no longer want to feel as if I am not good enough, to feel less than, to be told I am missing all these opportunities and thus stupid for it; I just don’t want other people to define who and what I am any longer. I just ain’t good at all that stuff and that’s that. Pretty danged simple: I ain’t good at it; it makes me crazy. Nothing anyone says has made any difference, and believe me, I’ve read and tried to apply and instead my head spun around and then exploded.
Here is what I have to offer you all, and it’s pretty danged simple: I write good books—they’re not for everyone, but they are for many. I write them the best I can—I give my ALL when I write; I do it with love and passion and sincerity and care. I do the best I can with my words and language and then they are put out to the world and I hope for the best. I can’t beg you to buy my books, to like me. I don’t want to scream and shout and raise my hand in the air as I try to attract your attention. I would love to be discovered by you, and then for you to love me and my books.
I’d love to have your respect, most of all.
I want to be Me. Who I am. Imperfect but still Kick Ass. I don’t want to make myself into some Product that I have to sell to all of you. I just want to do what I love and live my life. I want to see people as People, interesting people who I want to interact with in Real Life and Online, not as walking wallets who should buy my books, or as potential numbers on my stats. I want to enjoy you all, and I want you to enjoy me.
When constantly scrabbling about seeking approval or friendship or readers or “numbers,” I am devaluing myself but I am also devaluing YOU; I feel cheapened and I cheapen YOU—does this attitude apply to everyone out there who promotes/gives advice/etc? Hells to the No, I am only speaking of how I feel about my life and what works or doesn’t work for me. Everyone must find his/her own Kick Ass Life.
Letting Go of some things feels a little worrisome at first, but the more I Let Go, the better I feel. The more I ignore what so many people are telling me I “Should Do,” and instead do what the fuck I want to do, the better I feel; the more I feel comfortable with myself instead of feeling that kind of “ick” feeling of constant self-promotion, the more my life takes on a richer more colorful hue.
Does this mean we never talk about good news, or our books/whatever? Well, that’s silly; course not! But when I do have something wonderful to share, well, I can share it and feel proud of it or happy about it and then go on with my life. Like when calling/emailing/texting a friend and saying, “Guess what happened!” and sharing it, versus constantly calling/texing/emailing that friend until she/he is sick of my ass.
Maybe all this will mean my books will forever be stuck in some limbo of “okayness” when it comes to sales and rankings and I’ll never be more than than medium. It’ll probably mean my blog and other social networking sites will always be in some middling piddling land. Maybe it’ll mean people will shake their heads at my stupidity and think how I am missing so many opportunities.
But hot damn! I’ll be happier! Oh yeah. Much much happier—with my life, myself, and all the world around me–cause the dirty little secret is that if you do sell a shit load of books or whatever your product is, if you do call to you lots and lots of people, if you do make some kind of Successful Goal, it never ends, you will want or need more or it doesn’t last and you try to grab it back as it fades back some, it’s forever a hard-ass ride to the top.
When I let go, I feel more substantial.
I feel free.
That’s me. Yeah.