There comes a time in an author’s life when she considers whether she wants to do this anymore

7 Jul

writer's blodkaAt some strangeling point in an author’s career, she begins to be weary of her thoughts, and of the worries and stresses, and of the fears.  Of the whole self-indulgence of it all. The whining and boohoo’ing and self-doubting. The loneliness and sacrifice. The highs and lows and the lows-highs-lows-lower lows-high-low and the roller coaster that was once so much fun begins to jerk you around and toss you into the air and pulls your stomach out through your mouth—Blorf.

The author begins to avoid the writing. Sneakily so. She’s crafty. Cunning. There is no lacking of excuses. Why, that’s the easiest thing in the universe, an excuse. You breathe explanations into your nose and down your throat and then vomit them back up—they don’t taste so bad once you get used to the sweet rotten of them.

People say to you, “I hear you’re working on a new book!” And they are so sincerely excited that you say (and you mean it at the time; you do!), “Yes! I’m working on something new.” And you are—sort of kind of. You are sort of kind of going into the word document and sort of kind of pulling it up and sort of kind of staring at it and then sort of kind of pecking away at it and sort of kind of considering how you just don’t want to do this anymore.

Maybe there will be a free-fall feeling. You’ll stand on the precipice, open out your arms, and just Let Go. The air will rush against your face. You won’t notice how the ground is growing larger and more menacing—the air feels so good! The freedom! The exhilaration that you’ve jumped right off the cliff and left everything behind you.  “I was pushed!” you say, when people look at you strange—why, there you are flat and bloody where you and the ground met most undeliciously.

028You stare at the bookcase, and there they are! Your books. You wrote them. They were published, and people read them—still do. They aren’t mocking you there but you turn your head away. Because it hurts to look at them, as if your published books are the morning sun and you are still sleepy and in the dark.

“Sometimes it just hurts too much,” a well-known author you admire once said to you. You didn’t understand that at all. You said, “Oh. Well.” And then you went back to work, smug with smugnitude. You think to contact that author and say, “Hey, remember that time you said that? Guess what! Me, too!” But you do not.

Why, it’s all about letting everyone think you are writing fully and happily, and the money is pouring in, and you are on the verge of greatness and successfulness and awesomeness and authorial queendomness! It’s about big smiles and posting pictures on Facebook with zippity do dah day quotes on them about writing. You are living the dream! You author you! You chuck yourself on the chin—aw now you!

You once looked forward to your royalty checks. How fat they seemed to you! How healthy and plump! You signed the back of them and skipped off to the bank, pride and love and luck filling your marrow. As time went on, you began to cringe, just a little, when you’d see the envelope from your publishers in the mailbox. You tell yourself that some authors would give up the fifth toenail on their left foot and then offer up the toe as well just to make any money at all. Still, you can’t stop the flutters in your stomach when you know the check will be arriving any day.

DSC09985“Money doesn’t measure our worth as a writer,” you say, and you mean it. You really do. Still. You begin to worry about money. Who doesn’t? But somehow money received for writing books becomes entangled in how you feel about yourself and your talent and gifts and love of this profession. It makes the love tainted. You hate that. A lot.

All you wanted to do was to write. That’s all. All you wanted to do is to write. And write. And write and write and write write write write. “Please let me write,” you say to the only one stopping you—well, you, of course.

You don’t want to, but you wonder how much money other authors are making. You wonder how they feel when their royalty checks come to the mailbox. You wonder if one day yours won’t come anymore at all and you can’t breathe for ten whole seconds, plus five. It’s madness.

So, one fine day that has really been about three hundred and two fine days, you consider giving it all up. You will always have your books that were published. You don’t have anything to prove at all. You can pretend for as long as you can, and then one day no one will ask anymore. No one will think about you and your books. You will be forgotten by most. Your books will end up at garage sales, dusty with faded covers and torn pages. Or deep inside e-readers in a file marked “Old shit from authors no one remembers” that is rarely opened.

You can take up art or cooking. You can pick up your camera and see where its lens takes you.

There comes a time in every writer’s life when she will consider giving up the writing.

What magic sprung from the works of those before us, and how can we create our own magic? How can we cast a spell upon our readers?

A day will pass. Two. Fifty. One-hundred. Three hundred twenty days will pass. It feels as if a ghost is following you, but when you turn around, it disappears behind a dreamlike tree that only you can climb, only you can see. The apparition follows you every second, every minute, every hour, every day, week, month.

It winks at you—it knows the joke is all on you. It knows you better than you know you.

It knows. When you are ready again.

You will write again.

When you are ready again. You will write again.

When you are ready again; you will write again.

You will write again.


15 Responses to “There comes a time in an author’s life when she considers whether she wants to do this anymore”

  1. CG Blake July 7, 2015 at 3:38 pm #

    Whew. For a moment there, I thought you were giving up writing. I’ve had the same thoughts and struggles, but then a new project makes its way into my brain and I am suddenly energized. I don’t write as often as I’d like, but I don’t know what I would do if I stopped writing. Thanks for sharing these deep thoughts.

    • katmagendie July 8, 2015 at 3:20 pm #

      I could never give it up – I’ll just moan and bitch about it sometimes *laugh*

  2. karenrsanderson July 7, 2015 at 6:50 pm #

    If you are simply staring at it when you open the document, then you must not really be interested in it. I say, “get over the guilt about it,” go do something else. Go for long walks. Think about another genre. Think about quitting. Just because you don’t write books doesn’t mean we all stop loving you. I have pretty much been in “quit” stage for about 6+ months (except for the Word Sharks conference which was awesome), but I have a hard time getting excited about anything I’m writing (and I have some awesome ideas and a poetry collection fermenting). So I am just going with that flow. Screw it. I’ll do it when I feel like. Feel fine with that, Kat.

    • katmagendie July 8, 2015 at 3:20 pm #

      Well dang, if you put it that way! laughing! :D

  3. Aging Ophelia July 7, 2015 at 7:52 pm #

    That was a close call.

    • katmagendie July 8, 2015 at 3:19 pm #

      I love close calls – they make me feel ALIVE! :D

  4. marilynslagel July 8, 2015 at 9:46 am #

    Beautiful sharing, Kat.

  5. Vaughn Roycroft July 8, 2015 at 10:02 am #

    Surrender to the inevitable! I will if you will.

    • katmagendie July 8, 2015 at 3:19 pm #

      Hell no we won’t go (into that dark night)


  6. CAROLCarol July 8, 2015 at 1:01 pm #

    DEEP that describes it alright. WOW…I think your mind just needs a break and start using that camera too. You have many talents, explore them all. Best to you!!

  7. Deanie Gallimore July 8, 2015 at 10:42 pm #

    Kathryn, Whatever you do or don’t do, just be happy and at peace. Those of us waiting for your next really want that for you and if another one doesn’t come, it will be okay. The books you’ve written are wonderful and will be loved for a long time. There’s nothing wrong with reading them again. Just be happy.

  8. katmagendie July 9, 2015 at 8:07 am #

    Smiling – I am happier than I’ve been in a long time – except when I beat myself up for things that I should not! :D Thank you for your beautiful words, Deanie

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