Venus’s Long Moonless Day & Relationship/Dating Series Post 1: Grieve First, then Find What’s Next in Your Story

5 Aug

Ah Venus. What more appropriate planet in our Galaxy to kick off this series on dating and venusrelationships, or lack thereof, since this planet is named after the Roman goddess of love and beauty?  Right? Uh huh.

The second planet from the Sun, Venus is the second brightest object after Earth’s Moon. It has a similar size and mass to Earth, so they are often called “Sister Planets.”  Like Uranus that I spoke about in the previous post below, Venus rotates in a retrograde fashion, in the opposite direction to the sun. It has no satellites, meaning no moon! Yes, Venus is not in a relationship with any satellite. It has no co-dependent, symbiotic-like thing hanging around it to keep it company as Earth has Moon. And Venus seems to be doing just fine on its own in its own ironic way.

Venus is the hottest planet in our solar system with temperatures of over 870 degrees Fahrenheit—its atmosphere is made of carbon dioxide and extreme greenhouse effect heats up its surface. This is well hot enough to melt lead, people.

A weird little quirk about Venus is that a day on Venus, at 243 Earth days, lasts longer than its year, which is 224.7 days. A 243-day day. Well Dang!

If you weighed 115 pounds on Earth, you’d weigh 104.3 on Venus. If your birthday was today, August 5, and we use the year 1970 again, you would be 74.7 years old, and your next birthday would be September 24, 2016.

It’s telling that a planet so known for its symbol of love and beauty is also uninhabitable, with long DSC09985long long long uber windy searing hot unbreathable days, and not even a Moon to gaze up at. Double Dang.

I could gaze longingly out the windows of the Lil Log Spaceship as I skirt around a symbol of love and beauty before jetting off to somewhere safe. Or, I could figure out how to completely alter myself so I could inhabit this hot uninhabitable planet.

Or, I could spend some time alone in the Galaxy until I figure out: What do you really really want, Kat? Who are you so you can know who you want in your life?

And most important:  What’s next in your own life story, Kat? Don’t you want to ask yourself that, too? And then find out?

Because if we become involved with someone too soon after being involved with someone else, we risk not finding out what’s next in our own stories but instead once again become entangled in someone else’s story.

So if I want to visit Venus, I will be equipped with the materials I need to explore its surface on my own terms. And if I cannot figure that out, I won’t go until I do.

(And nowhere in this post am I referring to the “Men are from Mars; Women from Venus” stuff—my post here has nothing to do with that.)

To start off this series on dating and relationships, I must tell you that being Lonely isn’t the end of the world. Sure we can melt on Venus, or be blown by raging winds, or slog through a 243-long day, but if we have to go there alone to discover what’s next in our stories, then we survive it. Because we must. Because we should. Because being alone is NECESSARY for us to move on and forward and tally ho!

If you are fresh out of a relationship and immediately jump into dating, how is that healthy? Where is the retrospective?  Where is the respect for that previous relationship—and if there is no respect, photothen why not? Where is the grieving period? Yes, grieving period. You are experiencing the death of something. I don’t care if you are telling me, “But it was a terrible relationship! We crashed on Venus and melted to smithereens!” If you were in a relationship, you must grieve its end. Even if only to grieve the “Idea” of that relationship.

If you were in a relationship that often made you happy, you must grieve the companionship, the intimacy, the veritable Two that becomes One. If you were in a relationship that was often stormy and chaotic, you must still grieve the moments of exciting madness.

If you felt you were a better person in this relationship than without it, then your grieving will be acutely lonely and sad. If you felt you became someone unrecognizable—someone you no longer wanted to be—in a relationship, you still must grieve, even if you are grieving over how something that seemingly held such promise ended with such messy crapitude.

I don’t care if you tell me you hate the person you were with and would cheerfully sock them in their big fat nose—if you do not deal with the grief to the end of a relationship, the death of something, and you rush headlong into dating, or worse into another relationship, you are setting yourself up for a world—a galaxy—of troubles. Yes yes yes, there are exceptions to every Rule in Life, but those exceptions are just that: Exceptions. Exceptions are rare.

Exceptions sure hurl us into a lot of trouble, don’t they? How many times do we hear, “So and so did this and such and it worked out perfectly! They’ve been together 5 million Venus days and each day is better than the last! Oohhhh, I want that! If they have it, there’s a chance I can, too! Ohhh!” Yeah. Trouble. Because sometimes those Exceptions lead to Expectations that lead to Justifications that lead to Oh Shit What Have I Done? And yes, okay, sometimes they can lead us to magical wonderlands in a galaxy far far away.

You willing to take that risk with what’s next in your story?

Do please believe me that taking time to lick your wounds and consider just what happened to you and to your partner is imperative for the health of your next relationship—if you decide ever to go there again! Ha! And you will. One day. And that One Day should be after you are strong and healthy. It should be after you consider YOUR OWN role in the “Just what happened here” planet.

Nope, I am closing my ears to your saying, “But my partner was a train wreck! He/She was *fill in blank with putritude*!” Well, even if you only have to answer to my, “Then why were you with them? What attracted you to the putritude train wreck?” Because as adults we do all make our own choices, don’t we? You can tell yourselves you were fooled, or blind with love, or blind with lust, or unaware, or lied to, or whatever justification you need to feel better about yourself, but reality is that there were two people in that relationship and neither one of you is was were perfect. Yes yes yes I understand there are some people who are Bad News and good decent people are swept away by events and personalities that surprise and fool and trick—another Exception. If that happens, then the healthy person quickly extracts themselves from that situation, right? Right! If not, then why not?

If the partnership had beautiful, and mind-blowing, moments, then the grieving and retrospective will be fraught with entanglements. Because you’ll miss those things, and you’ll want to feel them 3BDA8B33-0566-4847-B345-5FF7128F7FC2again, and you’ll want to feel them again NOW NOW NOW! I urge you to stop. Take a moment. Take bunches and oodles and millions of moments. Take some deep breaths. Learn to live alone for a while. Learn what it feels like to rely on You and You Only. Learn to be independent. Become strong. Become healthy. Find out What is Next in Your Story, without entangling yourself in someone else’s story—until it is Time.

Now, of course you want the support of your trusted friend(s)—who doesn’t? But even they can only help you so far as you are willing to help yourself.

Consider the reasons you were with your previous partner and then extract what worked about it—file that away for future reference. Then consider what did not work about it, extract that, and file that away in another file for your future reference. Be brutally honest with yourself. We humans have a funny way of denying reality and focusing only on what we want to hear/believe/see that feels comfy cozy to us. You must be so brutally honest with yourself that it hurts—deeply hurts—to consider. And I don’t mean just about your previous partner, but brutally honest about yourself, too. Perhaps you really did do all you could do and you tried with all your big beautiful heart, but, does that mean you did not have some responsibility in the demise of your partnership? Only until you are brutally honest will you flesh out what’s really going on in the head and heart and desires of You.

Though we won’t talk about No 9 right now, will we?

The good, the bad, and the ugly should be examined.

Diving headlong into another relationship before you’ve grieved the last one, before you’ve extracted the “Whys Hows Whens Wheres” of it all, will set you up either to look for what you are missing from the last partnership, or set you off to find something/someone completely different/opposite. Neither one of those missions is healthy, strong, independent-thinking. When you are ready to date again, you should be dating not with the idea of finding someone to replace the other person. Or finding someone to fill some hole in you. Or finding someone who will make you feel different from the last person. Or finding some warm body to keep you company.

Being with someone just so you are not alone is exactly the wrong reason to be with someone! It’s a sucky shitty reason. And it is certainly a Not Fair reason to the people you involve yourself with.

My last relationship was very intoxicating. And I grieved it. Not for days or weeks. I grieved for months. I stopped telling myself, “I should be over this. I should this. I should that.” Instead, I let myself feel all the horrible sad feelings. The tender moment feelings. The powerful intimate moment feelings. I let myself feel rage, too. Depression. Anxiety. Loneliness. Fear. I allowed myself to feel all the terrible awful things that we want to deny. Because we try to Feel Good all the time. article-2302364-00570A6100000258-460_634x430Because we are told to Suck It Up. Because we are told to Get Out There Again! Because we are told strength means something different from what it really does mean: Strength means we must first feel weak and then build ourselves up again. Strength means facing all the shitty crappyness and feeling all the shitty crappyness without denying its existence so hard that we shove it into the Black Hole where we think it’ll disappear forever. Oh, it’ll find its way back up in some quasar supernova explosion—and in the most unexpected and un-wanted moments and times of our lives. It’ll find its way to you when you think you are happy again because you want to be HAPPY! so bad you won’t allow yourself any discomfort. *Shaking my head no*

There were many things I missed about Being Two. My Lil Log Spaceship became so quiet I could hear my own anxiety-ridden heartbeat. I wandered about as a ghost would, sad, lonely, scared. Suddenly, I had to figure out everything on my own. Suddenly, all the bills were mine. Suddenly, there was no sex, no intimacy, no kiss, no touch. Suddenly, there was no one to talk to. Suddenly, I ate alone, slept alone, did every single thing alone. I grieved. I assessed. I contemplated.

But, my friends, I did not jump out there and start dating just to fill up a hole left by someone else. And I’m still not dating. And I will not date until I know I am Ready. And by Ready I mean when I am completely strong again; when I feel like Myself again—myself as a whole independent mind and body. I will know when I get there and I will not rush this. I cannot. I should not. And neither should you.

The other day I looked into the mirror and thought, “There you are.” Because I am discovering myself again. Yes, I am Lonely Woman, but this Lonely Woman life is exactly what I need to find Me ipod photos 081again. And once I am ready to date again, I will make choices that are healthy and strong. And the men I date will be healthy and strong. If they are not, then I want to be able to know that quickly so I’m outta there. You must be a healthy and strong person yourself so you can recognize one who matches you in strength and independence. You must find Respect. So you find Self Respect first.

So, my dear ones, though I am not dating right now, I have dated in the past. And, I have been talking to, and listening to, people who are or were dating, and in my next post in this series, I am going to explore some Dating Do’s and Don’t’s. Some of these were real eye openers—just when you think people would have common sense, and decency, and showers (haha!), well, they do not! Ha!

My next give away is Kat’s Choice. That means I get to randomly choose something to send to you. Yup, you just have to trust me . . . and of course you can! Can too! I’ll choose the names to draw from comments, “likes,” and from FB comments/likes, as well. Thank you!

No repairs or whatever today since this post ran a little long, but next week I’ll have more on simple repairs/tools, etc.

1964980_10152466287074176_8369086502746553258_nIf you like Southern/Appalachian/Family Saga fiction (sometimes with a supernatural touch), then I hope you will consider one of my novels (or short story “snacks”) by clicking on this link to my 51j6n1OihJL._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-v3-big,TopRight,0,-55_SX278_SY278_PIkin4,BottomRight,1,22_AA300_SH20_OU01_Amazon Page. I appreciate your support!

1461250_496657083765127_1387255473_nAnd I thank you, my readers.


14 Responses to “Venus’s Long Moonless Day & Relationship/Dating Series Post 1: Grieve First, then Find What’s Next in Your Story”

  1. Judy Dybwad August 5, 2016 at 4:13 pm #

    Well said, my friend. I think I’ve heard some of these thoughts before…….hmmmm.

    • Kat Magendie August 8, 2016 at 9:16 am #

      It’s nice to look in the mirror and see “Me” again – :D

  2. karenrsanderson August 6, 2016 at 8:20 am #

    I take about ten years off between relationships. Haha. Honestly, I’m pretty durn happy alone. Yes, sometimes it’s lonely, but liking/loving myself and the company I have when I’m alone…well, I’m pretty awesome. I do not need another person to complete me. And now, since the last relationship/marriage has been over for about 10 years (I’m due, you say?), I like my life as is…I come and go as I please, I do whatever I want with whomever I want, I eat steak sandwiches for breakfast and breakfast for dinner, I do not have to report in, I do not have to explain myself. While I do wish I could have found that one true love, I think now that was not in the cards for me.

    • Kat Magendie August 8, 2016 at 9:19 am #

      There are things I miss about being with someone – and I recognize most of them are physical *laugh* – though sometimes I think, “Dang, I hope I can keep working from home to pay my mortgage” and I’ll miss a “second income” – but I get over it. Or, “Dang, things are piling up and I have no one to help!” But, then I put my head down and do one thing at a time and figure it’ll be done, or not. Mostly, I love my independence too much to give it up. For anyone. Even George Clooney. Or even that sexy guy on Grey’s Anatomy – Kevin McKidd. :D laugh.

  3. CG Blake August 8, 2016 at 9:19 am #

    What terrific post. And very timely for me. I am just coming off a break-up last spring and I needed your words of wisdom. Yes there is a temptation to dive right back into the pool, but it’s important to take a step back and engage in some self reflection and soul searching. I took a few months off (probably not long enough) but now I am feeling I want to date again. I’m not sure it’s the right thing to do, but that is what my heart is telling me. I wish you the best. You have a great perspective on this topic. I can’t wait to read more.

    • Kat Magendie August 8, 2016 at 9:24 am #

      Hello CG! I was just in here poking not around and there you are. Love your blog – and I do read it and your reviews. So. If you are thinking “probably not long enough” then maybe it isn’t? But, who am I to say? I’m chaotic and weird and reclusive and strange. I am distrustful of people. Wary.

      We usually want to date again because we are Lonely. And we miss things about what we had in the previous relationship. Finding how we are as “I” alone is often uncomfortable and lonely and sexless (I’m not making this sound attractive am I? Laughing!) but, the insights we gain will be invaluable to the next relationship or even casual dating. So we don’t become tangled in someone else’s story before we find out our own, right?

  4. CG Blake August 8, 2016 at 4:39 pm #

    Yes, loneliness is a key motivator. Also, how good you are feeling about yourself. My latest breakup was amicable. In fact, my former girlfriend encouraged me to date again. I feel as though I am in a good frame of mind. When my marriage broke up after 16 years, I needed a year to heal. So I didn’t date and focused instead on my physical and mental health. It made a big difference. I was ready when I started dating again. Thanks for your insights. I’ve often pondered writing a book, Dating After 50-Is There Reason for Hope? Perhaps too pessimistic a title.

  5. Kat Magendie August 9, 2016 at 8:22 am #

    My goal is to feel awesome about myself with myself first. And to embrace the loneliness until I find out just really what I do want, and I may never really know that answer but I have to do a little “soul-searching.” ANd I have to prove to myself I can do all this on my own even when I want to give up and give in: which is not an option at all!

    That said, perhaps you are in a different place and ready to ‘get out there.”

    We all have our own journeys.

    You know what’s different about dating now in our 50s compared to when we are younger? Nuttin much *laughing* We can still act like we don’t have a lick of sense.

    • CG Blake August 12, 2016 at 7:55 am #

      There is so much wisdom on your words, both in your post and your responses to my comments. I get what you’re saying and I agree. But I just don’t want to feel miserable and that’s the way I’m feeling right now. I don’t want to be lonely, so I am getting out there, but it’s not working. I guess I should pull back. But it’s tough to do, and social media doesn’t help when you are constantly looking at pictures of happy couples on vacation or doing other fun stuff. I really thought your post nailed it. I look forward to the next one. Cheers!

      • Kathleen Boston McCune August 12, 2016 at 8:54 am #

        i didn’t find my soul mate until I was comfortable on my own. That first meant distancing myself from others who were too negative for my own seeking of personal quietude and inner peace. Praying for that solace is the first step, then relaxing and letting your higher power guide you to who you are and then, amazingly, when you find you don’t NEED anyone, many seek you out. Just remember to not settle with anyone who doesn’t first feel like a friend, before the lust takes you over! Truly, it works.

  6. Kat Magendie August 24, 2016 at 11:22 am #

    That’s for danged sure – lust taking over *laugh*

  7. Deanie Gallimore August 24, 2016 at 4:42 pm #

    I wish I had known about you much earlier in my life…I might have learned a thing or two…I’ve been married 4 times….went from parents to marriage at 19…didn’t last long and I jumped into another one…anyway #1,2 & 3 were actually wonderful men, all 3 different as night and day and all 3 loved me, really LOVED me…but I threw them all away. Some flaw in me made me sabotage every relationship and then throw them away…#4 was the biggest mistake of my life, he was mean as a snake, I think we actually hated each other more often than not, I was absolutely miserable the whole time we were together, but I stayed with him 19 years until he died 2 years ago…now I’m old and no longer slim and pretty. I’m terrified of what the future has in store for me. I don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve thought a time or two I’d rather be miserable with somebody than being alone and I actually miss his mean ass sometimes ….damn I’m messed up….now what the hell do I do with myself?

  8. Kat Magendie August 26, 2016 at 3:53 pm #

    You stand up tall, hold your head up, and be awesome! That’s what you do. We’re all just human and do the best we can. And don’t you even talk about being old and no longer slim and pretty – is that all you have to offer is your age and whatever you perceive your looks to be? Ha! No! You are awesome! And it is my thought that sometimes it is very much preferable to being alone than to Settle. It is definitely preferable to be alone than to be mistreated. However, it’s normal to miss someone you spent time with – you were with that person, mean or not, and they meant something to you. So, grieve the times that were lovely to you and then hold up that head and march forward!

    • Deanie Gallimore August 26, 2016 at 6:44 pm #

      Thank you my friend.

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