Did you know that the sun is all colors mixed together, but appears as white or yellow or maybe even gold to us? Sun’s power (386 billion megawatts) is created by nuclear fusion reactions—much like the Rage I experienced-hawhaw! (more on that later). Light from Sun takes about eight minutes to reach the earth—the amount of time many people wait between relationships; ha! Over one million Earths could fit inside the sun.
If you were 118 pounds on Earth, you’d be 3,194 pounds on the sun. Dang! On the sun you best back away from the Halloween Candy, y’all—in fact, send your Halloween Candy (the good kind; I don’t want that nasty kind) to Kathryn Magendie, The Cove at Killian Knob, Western North Carolina. Boo! I can’t calculate your age on the sun because age is figured out by our rotation around the sun, so it makes no sense to try to calculate our age on the sun.
Sun is about 4.5 billion years old and it now has about half of its hydrogen, at its core, left to “burn.” So, it’ll shine on for about another 5 billion years and we’ll take it for granted. Until! One day, it will run dry of hydrogen fuel and this is bad news for us humans, because then Sun will devour Earth—complete destruction—hmm, this also applies to some people in our lives, doesn’t it? They completely consume us and create utter destruction! OH FIERY DEPTHS OF HELLACIOUS CHAOS! AIIIYEEEEEE!
At Sun’s destructive death, it may create a planetary nebula—nebula is debris/gas thrown out by dying stars. May I use this as another comparison or analogy? When a relationship dies, there is lots of emotional debris, and if we are not careful, and we start dating too soon, or worse, enter into a relationship too soon, we still have all that debris and destruction and exploding gases happening all around us—and for all you know, maybe your dating partner is going through the same thing. Double Whammy! How can we clearly see with all that debris clouding our vision?
Before you start dating or looking for a relationship, I cannot stress enough—really really stress enough—how important it is to have some time alone. ALONE—by yourself—YOU BEING YOU ONLY! Not just to “lick your wounds” but to figure out things. To look at yourself in the mirror. To do some uncomfortable thinking.
To clear the air of all that debris and gas. To see things realistically. To feel healthy and strong. The longer you go, the more your life journey begins to make sense in ways you never imagined. As the dust settles, you see the galaxy around you clearly. Because if you’ve gone from relationship-to-relationship, you may have a Big Ass Debris-Covered Galaxy—your debris mixed with their debris until you don’t know who you are separate from Someone Else any longer—your life is a bit of a mess.
It’s been a year since my last relationship nebulized all over the place, and that relationship came round much too fast after I left my marriage—debris on top of debris. But boy was it exciting and exhilarating and passionate and interesting and satisfying in ways I never imagined in all my imagining. But it was also other things; it was also what it wasn’t, all of which is of course private.
If I’d have known then I’d go a year alone (so far!), I’d have thought, “Well, Dang! A YEAR! DANG!” There’s lots of This Is Not Fun when you are alone. You miss things. Emotional things. Physical things. But what I found as time went on and I became stronger and saw just what I was made up of, is how I began to recognize patterns that both related to others and also only related to Me. I began to see things I’d done that created chaos in my life. I began to see things I’d allowed in my life that I should not have. I saw things about myself that made me cringe, and made me feel sorrow. I learned a lot about Me.
The person I am emerged, warts and all. We are all imperfectly beautiful. Once you clear the air and see WHO you are all by yourself, you begin to learn to accept yourself. It’s a “oh, there I am!” moment.
I recognize I am a very intense and passionate woman. Now I see how for years I tried to control that. Worse, I often allowed others to try to control my passionate intensity—maybe they were afraid of it; maybe I was afraid to show it with them; maybe this that the other.
Even from childhood, I realized, I’ve squashed down, or let someone squash down, the Core of Who I am. Passionate. Intense. Creative. Weird. A whirlwind of a woman. But oh I am worth it. I know my worth. You have to know yours. If you do not recognize your worth, you and your partner or potential partner are doomed.
If you take a wild mountain storm and throw it in a box and nail it shut, that box will shake, rattle. The storm will barely be contained, pushing out through cracks and crevices. From the outside, you see this box shaking and rattling and you are a bit afraid of it. Maybe out of that fear you throw the box in a closet. One day that box will explode. Debris.
Two emotions I had problems with: Crying and Rage. You do not cry (and I rarely did); you do not show your anger—when I’d become mad, I’d become like a stone, still and rigid. Oh that rattling box!
And what of Joy? Where is the Joy? I’d laugh, but Joy seemed something situational. Something that happened when something good came around—fleeting before the next shitstorm arrived. Better feel it while you can before you have to deal with Real Life. Wow. That’s sad.
During my year-long Discovery Journey, my box began to RATTLE, SHAKE, EXPAND. The doors to the closet I’d been thrown in blew open. The locks on the box buckled under the pressure. And then that box EXPLODED and Hooooo Boy was there a shit-load of debris!
First came the crying. Oh did I cry at every little thing! I hated it! Can you imagine a well of tears from childhood that have finally been tapped? That well had to be drained, and it was deep and wide. I allowed it to come. It was annoying at first, then it became a cleansing.
The Rage was harder to deal with. A terrible terrible rage. I was one pissed off woman and it created a bit of an Asshole Effect. Rage I’d tamped down from childhood and on through the years, just as with the crying, gushed up like some ancient volcano that finally erupts after a hundred years of boiling. Lava spilled and burned anyone who dared come close.
Imagine Godzilla stomping across the city scorching with its breath everything in its path, stopping every so often to sob and rail and whine? Yeah. It’s not pretty.
My dears! Can you imagine dating in a healthy way during this time? Good gawd no! Even if your emotions aren’t from years and years of repression, I can guaran-damn-tee you that you have a crap-load of debris from your last relationship, or relationships, you need to deal with. You’ll carry what you haven’t dealt with from person to person. I don’t care who you are with—they can be the most “perfect” person but if you haven’t cleaned up your own debris, it’s going to be messy.
Heck, you may end up screwing up a good thing. Or, you may end up being with a bad thing. Either one sucks.
You can’t blame the other person, exclusively. I don’t care how “bad” they may have been, you had your part and you best be figuring out what it was and dealing with it, even if it was just putting up with someone’s bullshit—you were there, you put up with it; why?
Well, damn it all! I’d found my Joy! It wasn’t until the debris cleared that Joy shone through, big and bright and beautiful. Warming my face and bones and skin and heart.
And, in that lightness also comes Determination. You have heard it ALL before and you ain’t putting up with Da’Bull’Sheet. You don’t want to hear a litany of “I’m sorry” and then the same thing happens again and again while you make excuses for them, and excuses for why you put up with it. Or maybe they are putting up with your sorry ass? I ain’t there; I don’t know.
You don’t want someone else’s debris choking the life out of you.
Once Joy comes into your life (and its sister, Peace—don’t forget Peace), you will never want to go back to The Old Way. And one of the ways not to go back to The Old Way is not to allow people into your life who will hurt you, or make you feel Less Than, or try to change you to fit who they want you to be, or—and this goes without saying but I’ll write it anyway—abuse you in ANY way. You will see your way more clearly. You will stop making excuses for someone else’s behavior, and, for your own behavior. You will trust your instincts. You will see the red flags and walk away. You will be strong enough to do this, yes, but mostly you will want NOTHING to take away Joy.
How do you know you are experiencing Joy (and Peace) and that the debris has cleared? You know it. You know it because it is the most pure of all the emotions. There are no conditions to it. There is no: “If only this would happen, then I’d be happy!” “If only he/she would do (or not do) this/that, then I would be happy.” “If only If only If only”—with Pure Joy, the clearing away of debris, there are no If Only This, Then I will be happy. There is contentment, laughter, strength.
This is not Pollyanna stuff. I am not talking about Manic or Giddy–I’m talking about Peace and Joy. Bad things are still going to happen. Sad will happen. Shit will happen. But you will get through it and Joy will be there waiting.
Your joy will follow you around whether you are with someone or whether you are alone. I can’t stress that enough either: You must find your Joy (and your Peace) all by yourself, completely alone, before you combine your joy and peace with someone else. Because if that someone else has a debris-covered heart, it will cloud your vision. At best, you’ll be in their shitstorm and have to figure out if it’s worth it—and maybe it will be and maybe it will not be. Or, at worse, they are bad news, and they will drag you down to the hell-pits with them, and there goes your clear beautiful Galaxy of Joy.
So, folks. Please. Stop. Take a breath. Consider that taking time—and I cannot tell you how long it will be for you—will not always be easy, but it is Worth It. So very much worth it.
And then, when you do start dating again, you’ll only “choose” those who will make your Joy shine, and you will make their Joy shine. You will laugh. A lot. You will feel trust. Peace. Even in the hard times, you will know that Pure Joy is there, unclouded by destruction debris.
But first: be with yourself a while. Get to know you. You are worth it.
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