the asshole brain

our brains are wondrous & mighty but sometimes things go awry ….

Aging your ass off ain’t so bad …. I’m’a gonna replace “Anti” Aging with “Pro” Aging…

an·ti/ˈanˌtī/  / Opposed to; against. A person opposed to a particular policy, activity, or idea.

Ad on Facebook sidebar: “Woman is 53 But Looks 27!” Uh huh.

Advertisers suggest how we must go out and conquer the Age Beasties because we are worth it! We are beautiful—but only after we use their products! We can live forever looking as if we haven’t lived at all!

Well, in some ways they have a point. And in some ways they are full of shit.

We all are going to age until we die. You can practice every bit of “anti-aging” in your arsenal but you still are going to age your ass off—if you are lucky. Some people aren’t lucky enough to age their ass off. Some people wish they could age their ass off. Some people’s family wishes their loved one could have aged their ass off.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to look good at any age, or for your age—the problem is when you continually and detrimentally grieve for your twenties and thirties or whatever your magic number is where you thought you looked and felt your best, or felt you were at the top of your game and now you feel you are at the bottom of the barrel.

Some scientists want to classify aging as a disease—one that can be treated, slowed down, and send people into their older years healthier and more vibrant. That we shouldn’t just accept aging as something that continues to devastatingly take away our minds, bodies, and attitudes. When it comes to aging and how our minds, brains, and bodies feel and look, genetics play some part but our lifestyles play a bigger part. Scientists are studying how some people they call Super Agers stay so much more healthier and active until they are 100 or more. Super Agers aside (and maybe I’ll be one!), we are living longer due to medicine, yes, but also due to piles and piles of ready information to educate us on how to live a healthier life.

If you are feeling decrepit already then do something about it. Consider how you can Kick Ass and be AWESOME where you are in your life Right Now. And you can do it without surgery and injections. Now, if you want to have surgery and injections, then you go for it! First, google “plastic surgery gone wrong” and after that, then, um, you go for it!

Tips to Pro-Aging:

Eat healthfully. As we age it becomes even more important to watch what and how much we eat. Stuffing our faces with fast food, processed food, bunches of added sugar, and bad-for-our-body fats, isn’t the way to go out and kick ass. Your body and brain will be sluggish and shitty, and as you further age, the sluggish shitties will be worse—oh, and you may die sooner, and that would suck. Does this mean I never have some yummy desserts or some hot salty fries or some other “bad” treat? Hells to the big ol’ no on the Nevers! But when I consider it a treat and not a lifestyle, I enjoy it more. I will splurge on The Good Stuff because I don’t eat it often. However, I will also tell you that when you stop eating certain foods (give yourself at least two-three weeks to let your mind and body adjust), and you go back and eat that food, it often makes you feel ill, and it doesn’t taste as good as you thought it did.

Really pay attention to the taste and your satiation level. What you may notice is way before you finish off a treat, you really aren’t enjoying it quite as much; maybe you are just mindlessly stuffing it into your mouth because it’s THERE. A smaller amount eaten slowly will give you more pleasure and satiate you more fully; I promise.

Get off the couch or out of the chair and move. The stronger you feel, the more powerful you are. Being fit and strong means you are able to care for yourself. Work on strength, aerobic fitness, balance—this means that as we age, barring anything that is not in our control (and there is always something that can happen that we cannot control), we should be able to kick-ass and be strong well into our Very Old Agedom.

You gonna sit on your ass eating crappy food, smoking, drinking too much, not going for check-ups, ignoring your health, all or some combination of these things, and then possibly “saddle” your friends or loved ones with your care when your health fails you? Again, I emphasize how this does not apply to those who had something happen that is not under their control. Sometimes sucky things happen to us no matter how much we take care of ourselves. That’s just life. But when we have a choice, how will we choose for ourselves and for the people who are in our lives? And as well, we will be an example to them.

If this is overwhelming to you, try one change and let that become a part of your life. Then another. And another. You can do it. Yes, you can too. And if you are still shaking your head, then why can’t you? What’s holding you back from feeling your best?

You know those pesky annoying negative soul-sucking people in your life? The ones who have been hanging on your back and hollering in your ear for years? What? No! Not me—I’m telling you what’s good for you and what’s bad for you. I am not pesky and annoying and I am not sucking out your fun-soul. AM NOT!

Anyway. Kick their ever-lovin’ ass to the curb. See ya! Sound mean? Well, if you are around someone who sucks every ounce of joy or energy or good mood out of you, constantly being a big Pain in the Ass, then why are you allowing that to continue? What’s in it for you? There must be something in it for you or else you’d finally kick them to the curb, right? Riiiigghht. If this PITA is someone you simply can’t walk away from, then find a way to short circuit the Negative Whiny Woe Is Me talk. Take your power back.

Perhaps it is time for you to sort through all the people who’ve come into your life and see who makes you happy and content and who tires the unholy hell out of you and needs a metaphorical wake-up slap upside their pea-heads or out out out damned spot!—you are in charge of you.

You can be a loving, giving person without letting people walk over you. The two things—being giving and being taken from—are not equal.

Do something you love. Many of us don’t have the luxury of quitting jobs to do what we love but why not go for the here and there moments to find your passion and pursue it. To say, “This is time for Me. Go Away.” Your friends and family will only respect the idea of you finding your passion and pursuing it if you respect it within yourself. If you find a little corner and time to yourself to do what you are interested in and/or love and someone says, “You’re too old,” or “You can’t,” or “Pay attention to MEEEEEE!” then what will you tell them? Come on, you know what you should tell them and you should mean the hell out of it.

Don’t make me come after you with an ass whoopin!

Excuses suck. “I’m too old” is an excuse. “I will look silly doing that because I’m old” is an excuse. “It’s too late for me” is an excuse. “I am tired because I’m old”–excuse. If you have a Real Reason for why you aren’t doing what you love, or why you aren’t out there kicking ass, then don’t beat yourself up about it, for we must also respect the tender parts of ourselves, the parts that have served us well but something just went wrong, or we tried and it didn’t work out (I love this saying more than the original one: “Sometimes you win; sometimes you learn…).

However, if you know good and damned well you are opening that mouth and vomiting out excuse after excuse, then ask yourself: Why are you offering up excuses? What’s holding you back?

Alternatively, we don’t have to live the commercials on TV. What I see on ads/commercials is that Boomers are out there Taking On The World—they are faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive (haha—locomotive! What a word: locomotive), and leaping over tall buildings in a single bound—Look! Up in the sky! It’s the Super Boomers! Well, part of being kick-ass is recognizing what you are doing is because it’s good for you and you are passionate about it versus what you think you ought to be doing because “all the other old people are doing it….” Huhn. Naw, most of us aren’t doing it all. Who is, really, no matter their age? But we’re living longer and living more actively than ever before.

I hate to use the old cliché, but it’s so true. When you are lying there dying your ass off, you may just think, “How’d it go so fast? And why didn’t I ….” Why didn’t you what?

Hmm – maybe? not? Lawd.

Just cause I can wear it, doesn’t mean I should, but, I don’t have to deny my sexuality or hide my strong healthy body either. I won’t wear micro-minis, or a bikini, or Club Wear—at least in public, hahaha! However, I like my body and I choose clothes that make me feel sexy and alive and WHUPOW and all. You should too.

Being strong and sexy and alive does not mean “skinny,” y’all. When will we stop the madness of thinking that every body has to look the same, or like some magazine model or fitness magazine model or someone at the gym or someone on TV/cellular device/movie screen. When you are strong and healthy and kickass, you KNOW it and your body feels it and you raise up that head and walk strong.

You won’t see me going out on a date (or other places outside my home) in sloppy, ill-fitting clothes that I am hiding in because I’ve given up on feeling sexy or vibrant or beautiful—because I haven’t given up and you shouldn’t either. Whatever your size or shape, y’all.

Aw, hush up now—I don’t want to hear that “AMEN!” from you men. Yeah. Uh huh. This goes for you too. And care for your appearance goes for you too. Does too! Don’t show up at my door for a date looking like you don’t care—boy, bye!

Take care of your skin. Eat well. Wear sunscreen. Sunscreen and eating healthfully are super important. This goes beyond looks, y’all. Skin cancer sucks. All cancer sucks.

And on the “vanity” part of it: Though the term “anti-aging” is kind of stooooopid, what I am happy about is that finally there are products geared towards people over thirty, over 40, over 50—and beyond. I like taking care of my skin by washing it every night—ev-er-ry night—and moisturizing it morning and night. And I don’t spend a lot of money, either. I am just consistent. Consistency is key, and not just for our skin but for our bodies and minds.

Finally, surround yourself with as much beauty and love and light and positives as you are able to. I mean, even if you found this blog post to be annoying and that it puts super-califragilistic pressure on you and Kathryn Magendie SUCKS, and who the hell is she anyway? She can kiss my ever-lovin ass! Well, then go on your way and I won’t have my feelings hurt one bit. You know I’m right. Do too! DO SO! I’m at least 98.9999999% right about every single thing.

You have one life; one body. Take care of it, and you.


(Y’all pardon my “construction” of my site – I still haven’t quite made up my mind on my blog’s “look” – so I’m trying on a few.)


One response to “Aging your ass off ain’t so bad …. I’m’a gonna replace “Anti” Aging with “Pro” Aging…”

  1. hell. yeah. soooo many good tips and packed full o’positivity. THANK YOU!

About Kathryn Magendie

Author of 5 published novels & other this and that novellas and stories, Editor, Edge of Arlington Content Editor.


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