Saturn was always my favorite planet because it is so gorgeous. When I finally did turn my attention to other planets, I recognized their beauty, and as well, how interesting they are, too. Still, Saturn is mesmerizingly beautiful. Yet, up close hovering in the lil log spaceship, the rings aren’t as lovely but instead feel cold and a little deadly—chunks of ice and rock, some small as little specks of sand and some bigger than a building. I need to back up a little, out of the thick of things and determine what direction to take so I’m not smashed to smithereens.
Hey, if I spin it right, that’s a great metaphor for dating!
Saturn is mostly made up of gas, especially hydrogen and helium; helium, like the kind you put in birthday balloons. I wonder if we took a breath on Saturn (pretending we’d survive it), if the helium would make our voice all squeaky! Let’s hop in the lil log spaceship and go find out! Is that a date? Sure! Okay! Wow, what will I wear? It’s pretty danged cold, like minus 276F—better wear my coat.
Because of those gasses, Saturn could float in water!
Saturn’s year is like 29 Earth years; Saturn’s day is 10 hours, 14 minutes. Born on this day, 1970, you’d be less than two years old and your next birthday wouldn’t be until July 15, 2029. If you weighed 118 on Earth, you’d be 125.5 on Saturn.
Saturn’s nickname given by the ancient Assyrians is “Lubadsagush—meaning, “oldest of the old.” Some days I feel rather lubadsagush, and others I feel rather kickass sexilicious. Ha!
The planet Saturn has 150 moons and little moonlets. 150! Dang! If I were dating, which I am not, I’d say that sounds like a fun date: helium voices while on a floating beautiful planet (if we pretend it’s floating in a milky-way sea) with 150 moons to stare up at.
Today is the second post in my dating and relationship series. And, as promised, I’m delving into some Dating Do’s and Don’t’s. All of these are anonymous, of course! Let’s just start today with Five “These Should Be Obvious” Dating Do’s & Don’t’s, shall we?
I changed the information somewhat to protect privacy. Do’s/Don’t’s are not gender specific, and not specific to hetero, though my few examples are “he/she.”
(I’m not referring here to “Hanging Out,”—a whole other thang, but actual Dating.)
- Do show up showered and dressed appropriately, and on time.
Oh, the stories I have heard about dates showing up nasty and late. Do I really need to say that’s a No-No? A Red Flag? You’d think not! But it happens more than you would imagine.
A friend once recounted her experience of having her date show up an hour late, straight from working out in the yard, beer in hand (see below!), scratching his crotch, and saying, “Did you cook somethin’? Cause I don’t feel like goin’ to the restaurant after all *burrrrrp*.” She asked him to leave. They didn’t have a second date.
When a man met his date for coffee, him smelling all nice and all, she showed up sweaty and stinky from her run—this apparently happens a lot to people, this “sweaty gym date thing;” I even saw an episode of The Big Bang Theory about “Gym Sweaty” date behavior! Huh. Well. No second date here, either.
So, by “appropriately,” that means show you care! Take a little time to dress, and show up on time and if you are going to be late, call or text, people! R _ E_S_P_E_C_T!
If you ask someone out, maybe give them a head’s up if it’s extremely casual or very dressy. If you are the one asked out and you aren’t sure how to dress, it doesn’t hurt to ask if it’s casual or not-casual.
Long long ago, I once arrived with my date at what turned out to be a formal event. Oh the beautiful gowns and tuxes! And me in my casual pants and top, while nice enough, were completely inappropriate. Ungh! My dates earlier words of, “Just throw something on,” didn’t help *laughing.*
- Watch the booze, y’all.
Sure, the nerves may need a little priming, you may think. Why, just a little bit o’ the booze will calm the nerves, right? Welp, maybe a beer or glass of wine before the date never hurt anyone, but more awkward, and scary, moments are created by alcohol than not. While I would never go as far as to say “Do not drink,” I will say that keeping those drinks to no more than two for that first date will never do you wrong.
Oh, you and I both know what sometimes can happen, don’t you? Of course we do! By the third drink—the first two went so fast! Where did they go so fast?—you’re heading to that giddy nice glowy stage where you think you are SO clever! (And I’ll interject here: if your date can slam them down and not show any sign of intoxication: Red Flag. There are always exceptions, but, yeah, I stand by it: Red Flag).
Passing out, puking, cursing out someone, becoming angry, grab-assing, stumbling about, etc etc etc—all of these are of course Red Flags and yes I have heard these stories, including how a friend had to carry his date to his car, carry his date to her door, and when no one was home and he couldn’t find a key, carry her back to his car, carry her to his apartment, where he deposited her on his bed (he slept on the couch). Next very late morning when he was finally able to rouse her, she was pissed off and ornery and on the way home she asked if he’d mind stopping at the store—he did, and she came out with a six pack, one of which she opened and said, “Fucking hair of the dog, man.” *laughing* oh dear.
I don’t care what excuse they give. Want to give them another chance? Maybe it was just that once? I stand by my: Red Flag!
If your date is obviously loaded, please do not leave with them—call a cab, a friend, or if you have your car call your date a cab, and then leave. It’s about respect, but it’s about safety, too. And about them becoming a big pain in your ass.
If you had too much to drink, then for gawd’s sake do apologize! Even if it’s the next day when you wake up in a blurry haze and go, “Oh shit!”
Perhaps many of us have had a little too much to drink when we were nervous, so before that date even happens, just take some deep breaths, and imagine yourself doing something really embarrassingly stupid where you say Oh Shit—then drink responsibly.
- Do pay for something—or at least sincerely offer to.
Notice I wrote “sincerely offer to”—the disingenuous offer is annoying. If you don’t want to pay for any part of it or feel you should not have to or the situation just does not call for it, then just don’t offer while expecting them to decline!
“Bad” date story a friend long long ago told me (and I ain’t sayin’ if this was a man or woman): The date not only ordered the most expensive items on the menu, they also had drinks, plus dessert. Ah but they weren’t done, my friends. To boot, the date also ordered a complete, and expensive, “To Go” meal “for later,” and they didn’t offer to pay for any of it. Haw! I’m laughing as I write that. But yeah. Don’t do that.
If the date pays for dinner, why not pay for dessert? If the date pays for the movie, why not pay for some treats? If your date does not drink and you do drink, maybe you want to pay for your drinks. Perhaps it is my independent streak, but it feels weird to me to have someone pay for everything. Offering to pay for something, even if small, is a nice gesture, and doesn’t leave all the control to one person (okay, that empowered control is probably my issue!). And I don’t care how much money they make compared to how much you make. That’s not the point, at least in my thinking. Actually, I never know what a person’s income is—it’s never been a determining factor of my dating/relationship life.
If your date seems insulted by this offering to pay for something gesture, or awkward about it, let it go. Actually, if your date is actually “insulted” maybe that’s a Red Flag. If they are that touchy, then what else is hiding under that skin? Hmmmmmmm.
- Don’t desperately slobber and drool and manhandle. Yeah. (Sex is also something I’ll get more into later.)
Date Disaster: Date arrives nicely dressed, smells nice, all smiles, says, “You ready?” Why yes, of course, she says. He opens the door for her. Why thank you! How gallant! As he drives, he chats
about this and that, but suddenly however, they are in a neighborhood, pulling into a driveway. He gets out, opens her door, and she exits (oh oh – no no – don’t go in there!), thinking, “Ummmm . . . ?” Folks, if you are going “Ummmm . . . ?” Pay Attention to that! But she thought, “Maybe he forgot something or . . . ?” Ha! No, when they were barely inside, he sticks his tongue down her throat and swabs the contents of her tummy and starts pulling at her clothes, and says, “How about a little appetizer before dinner?” OMGawd! I’m laughing again. No, this is not funny, but I’m still laughing—only because I know everything turned out okay and the woman was safe, grossed out, but safe.
Yeah. Don’t do that. And don’t feel embarrassed to say No Effing Way! And especially do not feel pressured about ANYTHING! Who is in charge here? You are!
Or like the woman who was all over her date in the parking lot of a family restaurant. Parents were grabbing kids and running *laugh* Do.Not.Do.That.
Please don’t stick your tongue so far down his/her throat you scoop up some dessert (ewwww!). Kissing should have a little finesse. It should be an exploration (but not of one’s stomach contents – lawd!). If it’s the first date, go a little easy there, ‘kay? Red Flag is if someone is super handsy while their tongue is exploring your bowels (ewwww).
Look, if you’ve not dated in a while, or been out of a relationship for a while, the loneliness is an issue, oh how I know that! But beyond that, having no sex is an issue. All systems are on HIGH ALERT; your nerve endings are on fire; your body is revved and R.E.A.D.Y. But if you’re all over the man/woman before you figure out what kind of person they are, you aren’t respecting yourself and could potentially be setting yourself up for something you’ll Regret—who wants to wake up the next morning thinking “Oh shit.” Ha! Nope. You can’t tell enough about a person on a first or second date to determine if they are cray cray. I don’t care how much you are thinking, “Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Please god now, SEX!” Rushing someone, or rushing into it yourself, could lead you to Something Oh Shit, or Something GOOD—waiting a bit will help you to know which one. Even if it makes you tear out your hair in frustration, laugh!
- Do talk about SOMEthing, but not constantly about ex’s please.
If someone can’t stop talking about their ex to the exclusion of everything else, then likely they aren’t over that person. Likely, they are still working through “issues” with that person. Likely, they still have a world of feelings about that person—whether it is love, or rage, or hurt, or the more insidious, hope—and you don’t need to be embroiled in their Continuing Saga of As the World Squirms. They are likely dating Too Soon. Not your problem to figure out. Red Flag. If you are the one doing all the talking about your ex, then maybe you need to give yourself a little more time. Been there; done that!
Of course, ex’s come up; they’re a part of our experiences, but yammering on about an ex during the entire date is a Red Flag. Surely there are other things to talk about? Surely there are other interests besides how that ex is a fucking asshole/bitch who deserves to DIE DIE DIE! (Red Flag: if your date is talking like that, exit stage left-good lawd!), but as well, Red Flags are: your date starts to cry (oh oh, dang), your date is still heavily involved with the ex (maybe there are children, and this is completely understandable, as it should be, that they would still be involved, but, if you are listening and listening and listening, and thinking, “Hmmmmm,” then Hear that “hmmmmm,” ‘kay? And, if there are children involved, don’t pretend you are okay with this if you are not—more on that and other “accommodating behavior” later).
Dating should be about exploration and discovery and enjoying each other’s company. It should be for finding out if you are compatible as dating partners. It should feel safe; it should feel respectful; it should feel GOOD! It should not be about “finding your soul mate” – please stop with the Soul Mate stuff already (more on that later). It should not be about grabbing onto this person you barely know and thinking about “your life together as a couple.” If you want to find a “relationship,” fine, but expecting the other person to go along on your ride to Forever-tude probably is unreasonable, particularly on the first few dates—lawd, let’s take a breath!
I’ll explore more of this next post.
Still time to comment/like here or on Facebook for the “Kat’s Choice” drawing, which will be soon.
And my novel The Lightning Charmer is on sale August 16 – 31, for $1.99, e-books only! It’s for all e-books, not just Amazon, though the link above takes you to Amazon. There’s actually some delicious, or disastrous, dating in there, too.
A haunted man shadows the Smoky Mountain forest. A lonely woman returns to what she left behind. A legacy unfulfilled calls out to them both. .
The sky darkens, the lightning seeks . . .
The Lightning Charmer is full of whimsy, enchantment, ancient secrets, and dark earthy seduction. Magendie taps into those primal secret places we all harbor, with a powerful story of learning where one fits in a world that may not fit us. Braided with color, humor, and loyalty to family, this is storytelling at its best! Sharla Lovelace, Bestselling and Award Winning author of THE REASON IS YOU
Later, y’all! Time to jump in the lil log spaceship and head off to my next adventure. Um. All alone. Dang.
Kat’s “Tutorial” – (ha! Tool-torial – ungh).
allen wrench, pliers, crescent wrench – do you know what those are?